********NOTE******** there are a lot of *questions* to ask about a future spouse potential. Many people *give up* and just marry the first person who comes into the picture, because questioning can be such a long process. The worldly spouses look so much more *handsome* they say. But in reality, values are thrown away when this happens. A Godly handsome man is better than a Worldly handsome man. However, it does not have to be a long process! Simply take each *Step* listed below one week or so at a time. Also make sure YOU have the same or better character conditions than your future spouse! *You reap what you sow*
Possible resources to help gain better understanding: CLP - Wholesome living, Created to Need a Helpmeet, Preparing to Be a Helpmeet
*The process of finding a spouse can start young! Soon after the age of flowering or development physically! It is normal for a spouse to marry at age 16! It is also normal for a couple to marry at the age of 25 and above! At age 25 years old the brain is fully developed so decisions can be made more effectively. At age 30 years old spiritual development has taken shape, so decisions about what occurs spiritually (what is right or wrong according to bible) can be made more effectively. Those under age 25 need assistance to help make correct decisions about relationships by elders. Those under age 30 need assistance to help make proper moral decisions (hence college students are not good, unless they become as a Jeremiah, and often filled with folly when making proper spiritual decisions, even those in theology education environments cannot properly make spiritual decisions unless they are fully repented)
*First Step: Character* This takes time to check character in a person and should be done before the beginning of any relationship.
1. How does he/she react with negative feed back about something he/she has done?
-An unfit spouse will not accept negative feedback.
2. What happens when you have needs?
-An unfit spouse does not care about the other person's needs and desires
3. What happens when what you like is different from what he/she likes?
-An unfit spouse has to have what he/she likes.
4. How does he/she communicate what they are thinking?
-A joker, a mocker, a scorner, guilting, pitty tactics, pride, mind-reading, negative things about loved ones, negative things about other cultures/tribal ways of life, critical spirit, blame, no understanding, clothing and hair styles control, political gain, liar, out-of the way to say he will never do xyz.....
5. What are his/her behaviours like?
- Chronically late, control time and get jealous when you are with others, constant job changing (and he/she is at fault), how he treats his family members and people in public (violent to others in street protests? the waitress, the plumber), honest about past, good steward of money, time, gifts etc., motivated to do what is right, respect your boundaries, anger spirit,
6. How does he/she resolve conflict?
-Say sorry, make excuses, take responsiblity to fix, graceful, closure and well-being
Summary:
1. Do you feel you need to "complete" or "fix him/her"?
2. What are his/her friends like?
3. Do you feel that you are desparate for a relationship with spouse or are you confident in Christ as single person?
There are patterns and behaviors in a controlling and manipulative person. Look for these signs. If these signs are found in yourself, pray and ask God to help you get rid of them.
*Second Step: Faith and Bondage Check*
1. What type of faith does he/she have? Is it the same, similar or completely different from your own faith? From the faith of your family? Have there been severe human rights problems from those in that faith group? Have people in that faith group been victimized? Do people in that faith group deny genocide or major human catastrophe occurrences? Are they non-religious or grow up in non-religious environment?
2. Ask these questions: Before You Meet Him
*Third Step: Maternity/"choose life"/child raising/End of Life Check*
1. Does he/she want to "be fruitful and multiply"? Does he/she fear things in regards to maternity issues? Is he/she reliant on Holy Spirit and biblical things if he/she came from an unbalanced home?
2. Does he/she desire to love spouse even if a pregnancy fails? Does he/she desire to love spouse even if childbirth occurs outside of a hospital setting (refugees, the poor, tribal groups etc. encounter this quite often) Does he/she desire to raise children through adoption or participation in orphanage if infertility occurs? Does he/she allow natural methods of child-spacing or no attempt to space without use of pharmacy drugs?
3. Does he/she desire to educate children in the bible? Does he/she desire to educate children freely in multiple areas without using a public system except in times of need? Does he/she desire to -be there- for the children or is career more important? Does he/she desire to raise children naturally if possible and willing to raise children in a frugal/non-consumerist/unspoiled way? Does he/she allow understanding and visiting of other cultures for the children to understand the world?
4. Would the spouse be willing to take care of you from home in old age? Would the spouse be willing to support home-remedy instead of heavy medical industry dependency in times of old age? Would the spouse be willing to allow funeral to be -independent- from expensive -funeral home- services (Alternatives can include -no open casket-, build own tomb, build own casket etc).
*Fourth Step: What about polygyny?? Is marriage license necessary? Sexuality issues? Age gap?*
1. Does spouse understand biblical polygyny as it applies to bible? (some couples change their minds about relationships in the middle of the marriage!) http://www.christianpoly.org/ or http://www.libchrist.com/index.html Even some early Christians did practice polygyny and were persecuted for such. Much of the persecution was by institutional styles of Christian life. It is better to stay in a polygyny marriage than to break apart a home if the couple before coming to Christ started out as polygyny.
2. Does the spouse understand that -marriage license- -wedding rings- -white wedding dress- -special cakes- -special traditions- and so forth are all not necessary for biblical Christian marriage to sustain itself. Many traditions are marketed. Many traditions are passed on from pagan religions. It is better to have a SMALL marriage with a few friends and relatives in a basic setting, than to make an expensive one with much bitterness and burden.
3. Is there an age gap in the marriage? A man who is younger than the woman by about 10 years? Is the man over 10 years older than the woman? Are you ok with that?
*Fifth Step: Are YOU meeting biblical standards? Is possible future spouse meeting biblical standards?*
-proverbs 31....are you buying a piece of land?, are you****** from the ***** portion of the bible?
-Do they grasp the desire to fulfill the -Sermon on the Mount- Matt. 5-7? Are they ok when men revile him/her? Are they ok when they suffer for righteousness sake? So on and so forth? List all sorts of questions in relationship to the topics discussed in Sermon on the Mount and then check to see how they are in their behavior.
-http://www.jewfaq.org/613.htm (Note: no person is going to be 100% perfect until death, only Christ offers the ultimate perfect life). Go through each law and ask the questions. For example: Does he/she know God exists? Does he/she avoid putting God to the test? Does he/she honour the old and the wise? (even though it is not a Christian website, the understanding from Judaism HELPS Christians understand character of Christ and what is expected of a spouse) It can be interesting to -keep a record- of the person and of yourself to see how you are doing in regards to relationship with God. Some of the things are not necessary for Christians (like circumcision and explained in Galatians). Many of the things in the law are useful.
-Does future spouse have a lot of skills in many different areas? Search through the bible to find the different types of skills mentioned.
*Final Step: (Deep discussions of the previous questions may be asked in this stage) Betrothal shouldn't be too long.....*
-A courtship is different than a Betrothal. A courtship trys to "win" a woman's heart. A betrothal seeks for a man to be acceptable before God and a woman to be equally acceptable before God.
-A courtship may require some religious training from youth up.
-A betrothal starts with a man repenting and a woman repenting before the betrothal begins (see fifth step). They may come from any background or environment. Any heritage can practice betrothal after it is understood how to repent before Heavenly Father. You may explain this to any man who wants to see if this is the marriage God wants them to have (For example, you meet someone on a dating site, but you want to "see" if God wants this marriage, then meet each other in public places and settings first such as church groups or community events.)
-The first step in betrothal is a "vision" for a marriage to possibly occur. The MAN is the one who gets the vision. The woman may have had the "vision" many years or so prior, but really the betrothal doesn't begin until the MAN gets the vision. The woman must not wear -lust driven- clothing. The man must not be -looking lustfully- at other women.
-The MAN reports the vision or calling about a possible marriage to an elder of a church group or to the woman's parents or to whomever is "head" of the woman before a betrothal.
-The woman PRAYS about this vision and sees if God answers prayer for YES, to continue the Betrothal or NO to stop the betrothal, but can still maintain brotherly love towards the man without dating violence. She reports a clean answer YES or NO to the elder or head of the woman before betrothal begins.
-If there is a YES, betrothal begins. The couple meets without much physical affection PDA (only hand shake, side hug and so forth, once a week to once a month or so). The couple prays for each other and prays for God's will to be done. Entertainment is not "worldly" or of dating fashion, but in meeting with family and close friends.
-The LORD will build "love" between the couple, so there is no need to -entertain the flesh-. Marriage arrangements take place. Breaking a betrothal could be damaging to the spirit like divorce as "love" feelings have been deepening.
-About 3 months to 6 months later the marriage takes place. Marriage does not need to be *fancy.* PDA doesn't need to take place except when the couple arrive home or go on a sort of honeymoon if they wish to do so.
-Church groups who practice *Betrothal* do not need to eliminate those who *failed* and ended up marrying the wrong spouse, ended up doing some things before marriage that shouldn't be done or failed in other areas biblically, rather just pick up the broken pieces and seek restoration through God's word.
I hope these things explain how to apply God's word to marriage, BEFORE the marriage occurs! Even before a Betrothal or Courtship occurs! Dating is a deception and should really only be done by married couples. These things are for safety spiritually and physically on this earth. Furthermore, there have been cases where a man divorced his first wife and remarried another, then the man repented. The first marriage was restored due to faithfulness in God's word and application of CHARACTER!
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