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Monday, December 3, 2012

Parenting advice: Get Psychology right according to biblical rules

Modern Psychology may seem like the best route to go, but in fact it is only a repetition of what has already been written.  If you write an outline of a modern day parenting book like PARENT EFFECTIVENESS TRAINING by Thomas Gordon, you will find that the same advice can be applied to many verses in proverbs.  I thoroughly enjoy the book as it points out how parents use their words to either help the child grow or shrink.  Effective parents allow their child to think-through the problems they face and come up with the correct solution to their behavior issue.

In summary the book outlined the following points which are expressively written in the book of proverbs thousands of years before.  Of course my conclusions on the similarity of ideas is only a quick summary and not fully explained, so you the reader may have to take the time to investigate why I applied the verse to the specific principle.  A reminder to Christians is that Psychology and Sociology are not solutions to the problems we face in our world, they are only platforms of observation.  We need Christ to fill in ALL our areas of weakness and defeat that we face everyday in life.  We as parents can do our best to point our children in that direction, but we cannot nor ever will be able to think for our children.  We damage their spiritual growth if we take on all control of their ability to think for themselves with the aide of Christ as guide.

*Skills that help students Grow
- Self-Direction
When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul; Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee:
(Pro 2:10-11)

-self - responsibility
Pro 3:27  Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.

-self - determination
My son, if thou be surety for thy friend, if thou hast stricken thy hand with a stranger, Thou art snared with the words of thy mouth, thou art taken with the words of thy mouth. Do this now, my son, and deliver thyself, when thou art come into the hand of thy friend; go, humble thyself, and make sure thy friend. Give not sleep to thine eyes, nor slumber to thine eyelids. Deliver thyself as a roe from the hand of the hunter, and as a bird from the hand of the fowler.
(Pro 6:1-5)

-self- control
The LORD possessed me in the beginning of his way, before his works of old.
(Pro 8:22)

Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom: I am understanding; I have strength.
(Pro 8:14)


* I messages put responsibility directly on the student for modifying his behavior
-pr 12:17 He that speaketh truth sheweth forth righteousness: but a false witness deceit.
-----> example say, "I am tired right now and don't like it when you are jumping up and down"

*Do not order, command or direct
The mouth of a righteous man is a well of life: but violence covereth the mouth of the wicked.
(Pro 10:11)

-----> example say, "I need you to pick up the table."

*Do not warn or threat
pr 11:12 When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom.
(Pro 11:2)
> example say, "I don't want you to get cold outside"

*Do not moralize, preach, give "shoulds" and"oughts"
The wicked desireth the net of evil men: but the root of the righteous yieldeth fruit. The wicked is snared by the transgression of his lips: but the just shall come out of trouble.
(Pro 12:12-13)

--------> example say, "You are eating candy right now.  I don't want you to get cavities from eating so much candy."

*Do not advise, offer solutions or suggestions
Pro 12:28  In the way of righteousness is life; and in the pathway thereof there is no death. 
------> example say, "You chose to watch a lot of TV and video today, would you like to explain why you chose to do that?"

*Do not teach, lecture or give logical argument
Pro 11:25  The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.
----------> example say, "You chose to wear a short dress. I don't want you to get hurt in relationship."

*Do not Judge criticize, disagree or blame
A gracious woman retaineth honour: and strong men retain riches.
(Pro 11:16)

----------> example say, "You like a lot of things that are related to spongebob.  I see that the advertizing industry sure knows how to find its way for you to know about spongebob."

*Do not name call, stereotype or label
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.
(Pro 15:1-2)

----------> example say, "Ok jimmy, I'm ready to go" He slowly walks to door (don't say slowpoke)

*Do not interpret, analyze or diagnose
A faithful witness will not lie: but a false witness will utter lies. A scorner seeketh wisdom, and findeth it not: but knowledge is easy unto him that understandeth.
(Pro 14:5-6)

----------> example say, "You are angry right now.  I can't stop to help you cut that picture because I am washing the dishes" (Don't say....you will grow up depressed with your anger)

*Do not praise, agree or give positive evaluations
The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination to the LORD: but the prayer of the upright is his delight.
(Pro 15:8)

-----------> example say, "I put your picture on the wall" or "I needed you to do that in that way, thankyou"
...express thankyou as an example of proper etiquette

*Do not reassure, sympathize, consol or support
Pro 15:27  He that is greedy of gain troubleth his own house; but he that hateth gifts shall live.
---------> example say, "That boy would like to be by himself right now"

*Do not question, probe, interrogate or cross-examine
A violent man enticeth his neighbour, and leadeth him into the way that is not good.
(Pro 16:29)

---------> example say, "I still need you to pick up those pieces." The child formerly told a fib about why the mess was made.

*Do not withdrawl, distract, be sarcastic, humor or divert
Eat thou not the bread of him that hath an evil eye, neither desire thou his dainty meats: For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee.
(Pro 23:6-7)

----------> example say, "I need some time with daddy alone I don't think the baby understands that"  Child will take on the responsibility to find something else to do on own terms and be responsible for others safety.

Door Openers

* Is there something you want to talk about?
I lead in the way of righteousness, in the midst of the paths of judgment:
(Pro 8:20)

*Sounds like you have strong feelings about that.
A true witness delivereth souls: but a deceitful witness speaketh lies.
(Pro 14:25)

*Would you like to say more about that?
The highway of the upright is to depart from evil: he that keepeth his way preserveth his soul.
(Pro 16:17)

*I have the rule ____. You seem really rebellious/disobedient to that rule would you like to tell me about it?
A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished.
(Pro 22:3)

*The bible has the rule_______. You seem rather resistant to obey that rule, would you like to tell me about it?
same proverb as above.


Of course there are more ways to express how all books on psychology are wrapped up in the book of proverbs and some in Ecclesiastes.  But we can't forget these famous parenting proverbs.  Natural accidents and failures have a tendency to be a proper rod of correction for the child.  Allowing the child to fall off of a chair because it wasn't sturdy will teach the child to be careful and ask for help next time.

Pro_13:24  He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

Pro_22:15  Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

Pro_23:13  Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
Pro_23:14  Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

Pro_29:15  The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.


Proper use of rod to avoid abuse and give correct distiction of bad behavior.

-Spank self three to ten times and look at markings on own skin to determine proper level of pain that should be administered.  Should be no more than a stinging shot from the immunization clinic.

-Withhold all anger before approaching the child.
-Ensure that the first way to correct behavior is to have the child pick up the mess he made first.  If he has done this, the use of the rod may not be necessary.

In all these cases, a properly trained child will have the ability to correct younger siblings and take responsibility for them.  If you see that happening, the parenting is effective and the child is growing to maturity in his or her actions.

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