At 4:30 this morning I encountered extreme contractions and cramping. I sat on the toilet in the bathroom and moaned my way through them. I can understand how a woman feels that she must go to an emergency room to help her relieve herself of miscarriage pain. However, I knew in my spirit that entering an ER room would 0nly make my experience worse and take the peace and spirit out of the situation. A time where mom and unborn have time alone and undisturbed.
I was dripping lots of blood and felt as if my body was trying to get rid of everything. I felt like I was dry heaving. I did not realize at the time that my cervix was opening so that the contents that were not producing life could be expelled. It almost felt as if I was in transition phase of labor. I made my self a cup of raspberry leaf tea to give me strength. The night before I drank a glass of milk with liquid chlorophyll and chocolate (kind of like a mint milk shake) to give me iron because of all the blood loss. I warmed up a rice sock and placed it on my aching back and cramping uterus. I spread some progesterone cream around my belly and back. I prayed that Jesus would be near as the pain was very excruciating. By 5:15 or so I felt extreme pain and took some Tylenol. I decided to walk around outside to keep my mind off of the cramping that I was experiencing. I walked around the block and also walked down to the river on the other side of our dike. I could still feel the sharp pains but I knew if I kept my mind on watching the stars in the sky, listening to the sounds of the early morning and thinking about keeping my steps the pain would seem as if it did not exist.
I returned to our apartment. My husband and my son still sleeping through all the menace I was experiencing. I folded my legs up and sat in our lazy boy chair in a fetal position. I covered my self with a blanket and fell asleep upright. I soon realized that I was falling asleep and I felt more comfortable so I decided to sleep on our couch instead.
After about an hour or so of sleeping my son cried as he realized that mom was not in the bed room. We currently co-sleep so he is very aware of my absence. I really hoped that I would not feel anymore cramping so I reluctantly went to the bed room to feed my son. The cramping was not present so I fell asleep again.
At 9:00 in the morning I awoke. The cramping had ceased. I sat on the toilet. Some bleeding occurred and then right as I was about to leave the toilet a plop came out and into the toilet. I knew instantly that this was indeed the contents of placenta and baby. I picked up a poking stick, old yogurt container and rubber gloves to retrieve the contents. I looked at it and all I could see was a small amniotic bubble containing the contents where the embryo should have been.
I called my husband on the telephone telling him about what had just happened as he was at church practicing some music. He knew that I had been cramping in the early morning. When he returned home he looked at the displeasing contents and had a little cringe in his stomach knowing that the pregnancy had failed because the baby simply did not properly develop. I put the contents into the fridge while we went to church. I somewhat surprised my self that I was brave enough to enter the church building after recently releasing miscarriage material.
We did not mention anything to anyone in the church about a pregnancy or a miscarriage. We felt in our hearts that it would be best to keep it to our selves and not stir up strife. After the service, I went to Wal-mart and picked up a small craft box that would hold the undeveloped baby we named Sam. I also picked up a string of flowers. My husband and I plan to bury baby Sam later today. It is almost as if we are burying a secret pet.
No one, except strangers know of baby Sam's existence. We have chosen to keep the existence of our unborn child a secret from those who know us personally (family and friends in our neighborhood). Not because we do not love those people but because we wish not to be judged by them and would rather have mercy from the Lord and his everlasting love fill our lives. We may share the existence of Sam a few years down the road, but right now it is simply in our hearts and mind.
Baby Sam will always be remembered deep in our hearts. We hope to meet baby Sam in heaven with the Lord some day.
Here is a passage of scripture that describes untimely births:
Job 3:1 After this opened Job his mouth, and cursed his day.
Job 3:2 And Job spake, and said,
Job 3:3 Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it was said, There is a man child conceived.
Job 3:4 Let that day be darkness; let not God regard it from above, neither let the light shine upon it.
Job 3:5 Let darkness and the shadow of death stain it; let a cloud dwell upon it; let the blackness of the day terrify it.
Job 3:6 As for that night, let darkness seize upon it; let it not be joined unto the days of the year, let it not come into the number of the months.
Job 3:7 Lo, let that night be solitary, let no joyful voice come therein.
Job 3:8 Let them curse it that curse the day, who are ready to raise up their mourning.
Job 3:9 Let the stars of the twilight thereof be dark; let it look for light, but have none; neither let it see the dawning of the day:
Job 3:10 Because it shut not up the doors of my mother's womb, nor hid sorrow from mine eyes.
Job 3:11 Why died I not from the womb? why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly?
Job 3:12 Why did the knees prevent me? or why the breasts that I should suck?
Job 3:13 For now should I have lain still and been quiet, I should have slept: then had I been at rest,
Job 3:14 With kings and counsellors of the earth, which built desolate places for themselves;
Job 3:15 Or with princes that had gold, who filled their houses with silver:
Job 3:16 Or as an hidden untimely birth I had not been; as infants which never saw light.
Job 3:17 There the wicked cease from troubling; and there the weary be at rest.
Job 3:18 There the prisoners rest together; they hear not the voice of the oppressor.
Job 3:19 The small and great are there; and the servant is free from his master.
Job 3:20 Wherefore is light given to him that is in misery, and life unto the bitter in soul;
Job 3:21 Which long for death, but it cometh not; and dig for it more than for hid treasures;
Job 3:22 Which rejoice exceedingly, and are glad, when they can find the grave?
Job 3:23 Why is light given to a man whose way is hid, and whom God hath hedged in?
Job 3:24 For my sighing cometh before I eat, and my roarings are poured out like the waters.
Job 3:25 For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.
Job 3:26 I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came.
4 comments:
Ooooh I'm soo so sorry..beautiful story with scriptures~ May GOD be with you, your family. And may He bless you for another~ in His will be done~ Anna (aka VeiledOne)
I prayed for you today. May God bless and comfort you.
I dont know you, but I love you for sharing this. Bless your heart for being so open. I sincerely hope your deep (and real) conviction that Sam was a real child, though only an embryo, will touch many who dont agree with us on this. I hope they see the truth through your love and tender care of baby Sam. My heart delights that Sam is with Jesus. xo
I certainly hope no-one would judge you because God took your baby back so early. Every life is for a reason and sometimes it isn't known even if someone lives 70 years in the world let alone 7 weeks in the womb. God made Sam for a reason He knows and took him or her for a reason He knows. I do hope you are recovering.
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