raggedy cottage and garden

Communism has killed......

2012-01-27T15:32:00.000-08:00

""The reply was, "But Hitler killed six million Jews! One had to speak against him." I replied, "Communism has killed thirty million Russians and millions of Chinese and others. And they have killed Jews, too. Must we protest only when Jews are killed, and not when Russians or Chinese are killed?" The answer was, "This is quite another thing." I received no explanation.""

This quote comes from Tortured for Christ. by Richard Wurmbrand.

This book is free from www.persecution.com. I highly encourage you to read this book. It will show the TRUTH of what has been going on in this world over the past few years around the world. It uncovers the smokescreens of our day that Satan has been trying to cover up.

SCIENCE in the BIBLE ???!!????!!!

2012-01-08T04:44:00.000-08:00

1Ti 6:18 That they do good, that they be rich in good works, ready to distribute, willing to communicate;
1Ti 6:19 Laying up in store for themselves a good foundation against the time to come, that they may lay hold on eternal life.
1Ti 6:20 O Timothy, keep that which is committed to thy trust, avoiding profane and vain babblings, and oppositions of science falsely so called:
1Ti 6:21 Which some professing have erred concerning the faith. Grace be with thee. Amen. The first to Timothy was written from Laodicea, which is the chiefest city of Phrygia Pacatiana.

Dan 1:3 And the king spake unto Ashpenaz the master of his eunuchs, that he should bring certain of the children of Israel, and of the king's seed, and of the princes;
Dan 1:4 Children in whom was no blemish, but well favoured, and skilful in all wisdom, and cunning in knowledge, and understanding science, and such as had ability in them to stand in the king's palace, and whom they might teach the learning and the tongue of the Chaldeans.
Dan 1:5 And the king appointed them a daily provision of the king's meat, and of the wine which he drank: so nourishing them three years, that at the end thereof they might stand before the king.

Let us as Christians in Christ keep our consciences pure before the eyes of our creator who watches over us always.

Know thy self............Know thy Christ

2011-12-23T07:36:00.000-08:00

Socrates was a philosopher and encouraged men to "think." However, he was a man and fallen. He formed the foundation for much of psychology today. If one takes a careful look at psychology, especially at the advertising industry, it is very obvious that man UNDERSTANDS the power of lots and lots of exposure to sell a product or to promote a certain political or religious agenda. Women are led into the hospitals to birth their babies because they have been "feared" into the fallen nature of man.....However, there are times where hospitals are beneficial as well in the birthing of baby......let us let God lead instead of the flesh.

Do men think that God does not understand psychology??????

Yes men, especially the fallen man, do not think that God understand's the psychology of the mind.

When we look at God's word (the KJV1611) and the entirety of scripture from a chapter by chapter perspective......

How many pages of the bible are dedicated to the creation story?....about 1 and 1/2. Unfortunately, many men dedicate more time studying creation without God and Christ's salvation in mind and end up setting the stage for evil as a result.

How many pages of the bible are dedicated to the story and life of Joseph (in the Genesis account) ?...about 10, Joseph was beaten and rejected.

How many pages of the bible are dedicated to the story and life of king David? 1sam 16:13-1 king 2:10, and 1 Chronicles 11-29 ...over 40 not including the Psalms and references back to David as the King after God's heart. David fought the sin nature!!

How many pages of the bible are dedicated to the life of Christ while he was on earth? over 70. Christ died for sinful men!!! All the way to victory and into eternity! Amazing Love how can it be. That's not even including the writings before he came to earth and the writings after he was here and rose again.

How many pages of the bible are dedicated to the story and life of Laura. Maybe 1/2 a page in the Genesis account in Chapter 10.....and then on to the church account as Laura decided to obey God's word. And maybe perhaps a few descriptions of the gentiles in the old testament and gospel. The church account consists of about 45 pages.....oh......

How many pages of the bible are dedicated to the story and life of Socrates? Maybe 1/2 a page in the Genesis account in Chapter 10

ok so some conclusions on who God thinks is the most important based on basic mathematical importance and who gets the highest score of importance based on numbers of pages attributed in the Holy Bible.

1st place: Christ, Score=70+
2nd place: Church (Laura as obedient to the Word), Score=45+ pages
3rd place: King David, Score=40+pages
4th place: Joseph, Score=10 pages
5th place: Creation Story, Score=1& 1/2 story
6th place: Socrates=maybe 1/2 a page I believe Darwin and other corrupted men also fit into this category......

In conclusion......if you KNOW THY CHRIST.......you WILL be well off and saved from the mud of this life. no matter what. Same applies to me.....Laura

Snow Crystals and God's Creation Story

2011-12-23T06:31:00.000-08:00

I have been overly privileged to have been able to study so much science and math at a liberal arts college. However, God's word still stands stronger than the theories of Man. Unfortunately I still have to pay off a small portion of my college debts. "Rom 13:8 Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law."

Here is an interesting question to ask anyone who has "forgotten" God's creation story or who grew up among the weeds of evolutionists and big bang theorists......

On what day in God's creation did God create the snow crystal??

The answer can only come to those who know God's word and understand its authority as well as a little bit of science.

Answer:
Day three. A snow crystal can only be formed with the presence of a dust particle as the two Hydrogen atoms cling to one Oxygen Atom. On day three God separated the waters from the dry land on Day Three so dust was created on day three. A snow particle requires a "seed" dust particle to form. Keep in mind.....on day three God also created Life on day three......and Christ rose from the grave after three days...... God created life and non-life on day three.

Gen 1:9 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
Gen 1:10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.
Gen 1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
Gen 1:12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
Gen 1:13 And the evening and the morning were the third day.

Information about how snow is formed

I love to study science. However, if man does not have the understanding that his behaviors and actions either have good or evil intentions, he will "fall" into bondage and sin without Christ and his word to back up his understanding of God's creation through science.

For further study and truths regarding God's creation check out the Institution of Creation Research

Woman's Battles and Bondages

2011-12-22T07:16:00.000-08:00

Are you a woman in distress and really can't seem to overcome your problems in life (bad relationships, husband not behaving the way you think he should, still single but discouraged etc etc.)

Here are some good reads to help you along the way while on your pathway through this life:
Every Woman's Battle
A book for woman to develop a stronger relationship with Christ and overcome the grips of Satan

Before you meet Prince Charming
A book for young woman to develop strong relationship with guardians and to improve Character before saying "I Do" The unsaved and feminist and/or religious woman will NOT like this book. But the saved Christian woman will thoroughly enjoy the content of this book. I even enjoyed it despite the fact that I am married.

Created to be his Helpmete
Very good read. Some churches who are "religious" in nature and not biblically based may ban this book because of the content in regards to the bed room relationship. But bondage to sin is real and the only way to stop it is in Christ.

Happy reading. Hopefully these books will make your life better than it was before.

Of course the best book of all to change your heart and make it pure and bright is the bible
A great way to study the bible can be found at e-sword.net

If you are struggling in your bondage to sin in the form of gambling, drinking, gluttony, depression and anxiety, self injury, eating disorders, homosexuality, pornography, sexual impurity and more check out

setting captives free

Find that freedom forever in Christ alone! Sadly many people that attend our local churches are still in bondage in some form or another and only Christ can truly make them free.

A Few Suggested Books for a better marriage

2011-12-17T17:41:00.000-08:00

I am still here despite the fact that I have not posted in quite some time.....

When you have the time to read, here are some great books that will transform your life for the better especially in your marriage relationship:

Intended for Pleasure
A Book about medical issues in the bedroom from a Christian perspective. Very good as it completely eliminates the filth that the world portrays when it comes to this sensitive issue.

Fascinating Womanhood
A book that will help you become a better and more content woman, no matter what the circumstances.

Enjoy great reads

Chaim Elijah Here on June 20, 2011

2011-08-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

Chaim Elijah arrived by home on June 20, 2011. I've been enjoying the month of recovery and and trying to keep pace with all the work of an addition to the family. He was a big boy 8 lbs 14 oz. Pictures coming soon.

Setting Captives Free

2011-05-15T07:33:00.000-07:00

http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/

Due Date June 15

2011-05-09T08:03:00.000-07:00

On June 15 we are expecting baby number 3!

I have been following home prenatal visits this time as well as my health has been good thus far. I plan to have a home birth this time as well as long as no complications or interruptions arise.

Fibonacci Numbers

2011-05-09T07:58:00.000-07:00

Fibonacci numbers and the fingerprint of God Video

A dry tree or a tree full of life

2011-05-09T07:52:00.000-07:00

As Christ was being led to the cross, he knew that in the last days, woman would willingly cut off their life supply and prevent children from coming into the world.

Luk 23:28 But Jesus turning unto them said, Daughters of Jerusalem, weep not for me, but weep for yourselves, and for your children.
Luk 23:29 For, behold, the days are coming, in the which they shall say, Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bare, and the paps which never gave suck.
Luk 23:30 Then shall they begin to say to the mountains, Fall on us; and to the hills, Cover us.
Luk 23:31 For if they do these things in a green tree, what shall be done in the dry?

The Lord truly is the giver of life.

Rules for our household.......

2011-04-29T07:23:00.000-07:00

Bryan & Laura Spilde Battlement Guidelines

Deu 22:8 When thou buildest a new house, then thou shalt make a battlement for thy roof, that thou bring not blood upon thine house, if any man fall from thence.

1. Use soft and kind words even if you can’t solve a problem. Kindly ask for help

2. Find many opportunities to smile and be thankful for others.

3. Find ways to praise other’s godly character, achievements and accomplishments.

4. Always use manners and be respectful of others and their belongings

5. Always do what is right, even when others may not and when no one is looking.

6. Practice using listening/ empathy skills and understand how others feel. Allow Holy Spirit to correct those in error along with #24.

7. Be thankful for how you were created by God. Find ways to honor him by obeying his word in that regard.

8. Never mock, tease or put others down.

9. Never argue, complain or blame others for their behavior. Pray for them in secret.

10. Speak to an accountability prayer/partner (spouse or brother/sister).

11. Do not boss or try to take control of others or try to meddle into their business and privacy for selfish gain.

12. Clearly communicate how you have been hurt using the word “I” never “you” and stating the problem with kind words and actions. Along with #9. Approach anger in a kind manner.

13. Forgive immediately.

14. Look for ways to serve others with no thought of self gain.

15. Think pure thoughts about self and others. Put no stumbling block before those who are weak.

16. Put no wicked thing before your eyes. Psa 101:3

17. Never gossip, tale-bear or listen agreeably to those who speak reproachfully of others. Only report truthful dangers.

18. Never raise a hand to hit.

19. Never raise a foot to kick.

20. Never raise an object to throw.

21. Never raise a voice to yell.

22. Never raise an eye to scowl.

23. Never use body or objects to harm or injure others in any way (pushing, spitting, bonking etc)

24. Never lift up nose to think pridefully of self as better than others in any area or subject.

25. Share toys/objects/activities. Use or do one activity at a time.

26. Do your best to keep surroundings neat, clean and organized. Clean up after your own mess.

27. Always approach daily tasks in quiet peaceable manner without grumbling or complaining. Organize and do things orderly.

28. Never let the sun go down on your wrath. Don’t go to bed angry or guilty.

29. Jesus first, other’s second, yourself last.

Montessori basics

2011-04-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

Although I do not agree with the way some teachers of Montessori early/preschool have a tendency to infiltrate fictitious evolutionary and feminist principles, I have found that the concepts of a child learning through the use of five senses is really good and can be done in the home. It is rather simple and if done with a more orderly approach and demonstration initiative, the child will pick up on what is taught and will learn the basic principles. I especially like the practical life teaching scenarios. Many of us don't think about how much we must learn to to the daily tasks of life appropriately. To forget such simple concepts, leads to utter decay in lifestyle.

I have compiled a summary of the basics from a book for teaching Montessori in the preschool years. Although I don't necessarily think preschool is essential to education, and can be picked up in one day with an older child, it is fun to practice the principles anyway when no other obligations for education are required in the home school curriculum. Free materials can be found on the internet as well to make cards and such items.

Summary Teaching Montessori preschool in the home

Practical Life Exercises

-Opening and Closing Drawers --Teach to open quietly with no noise

-Dressing Frames – Teach to open and close garments (buttons buckles, zippers) appropriately

-Pouring Rice (then water milk etc) – pour in neat fashion and use sponge if things spill

-Dusting – Teach that no dust should remain

-Carrying a Chair – Teach to do noiselessly and to avoid bumping people/objects

-Folding a Napkin – control and show the various shapes (square, triangle etc), teach neatness

-Setting a Table – Explain where each piece goes. Start with play equipment then do real dishes

-Washing Dishes – Teach how to do neatly and orderly

-Washing Hands – soap, nailbrush, towel, hand lotion. Teach complete washing of hands

-Washing a Table – child’s table, rinse bowl, washbowl, sponge, drying cloth. Dirty then have child clean with no traces of dirt

-Sweeping the Floor – Broom, dustpan, wastebasket. Teach how to hold eq. appropriately and leave no dust

-Polishing silver…..

-Shining Shoes – Point out when errors are visible

-Lacing a shoe – old shoe or dressing board. Remove shoe lace and allow to replace lace neatly.

-Lacing a Bow – old shoe or dressing board. Take shoelace and tie it neatly.

Finger Dexterity Exercises

-Bead Stringing – Multicolored beads and strong with knotted end. Teach to sort colors and put on string

-Bottles and Tops – Various lids and bottles. Teach how to put on appropriately and coordinate appropriately

-Using a Dropper – Transfer water between two bottles

-Cutting – Cut narrow strips, teach to cut over wastebasket

-Painting and Coloring – Trace hand/body and fill in, draw shape and keep in line, trace pictures in coloring book

-Working with Clay – Allow to create objects etc

-Doing Puzzles – Work at child’s pace and increase complication as appropriate

-Sewing – Cardboard Sewing cards, burlap sewing figures with wool thread

-Nature Study – Allow child to grow own garden, collect insects, rocks etc., fish to care for, animal pictures

-Geography – Puzzle map, show where live, teach about clothing and homes in other lands

Early Sensorial Exercises

-Three period lesson – large/small, rough/smooth, light/heavy, hard/soft, large/larger/largest, small/smaller/smallest, big/little

-Tower – stack building blocks of varying size large on bottom

-cylinders and solid insets….

-Fabric basket – match pairs of fabric with out seeing but by touch

-thermal bottles – have child order bottles coldest to hottest

-button games – place 6 buttons of 4 colors in separate bowls or containers, 6 buttons of 4 different sizes sort

-rough and smooth – differentiate

-silence game – have child remain silent and listen to sounds around him/her and count the sounds

-walking the line – 6 ft yarn placed on ground that child balances and walks upon

-weighted order – fill bean bags with various weighted items and bags are all same size, order correctly

-mystery bag – fill bag with 8-10 items and ask to identify without viewing

-sound bottles – fill bottles with various items, shake and order from loud to soft sounds

-color tablets – order colors by shades

-scent bottles – match bottles according to scent

-geometric shapes – put shapes in correct place on puzzle insert, or cut out with frame, graduated size of shape large to small

Reading and Writing Exercises

-Sandpaper letters – allow child to trace letters with index finger and middle finger

-Command cards – allow child to follow instructions from a card. Start instructing and then silent

-pictures and sounds – allow child to sort pictures with matching letter. Ie. B = ball

-moveable alphabet – allow child to select letter and spell out picture place in front of him/her

Arithmetic Exercises

-number rods – with rods of boxes place a numbered card next to appropriate rod.

-spindle box – number boxes (or egg carton) 0-9 and then add appropriate rods or objects

-sandpaper numbers – match number of objects with number cards and explain greater/less than

-writing numbers – allow child to write number in a squared space in appropriate manner

-number progression – make chart 1-100 and have child match appropriate cards. Explain even/odd #’s

-measuring exercises – have child measure with measuring cup. Show how many ¼ go into cup. Tablespoons in ¼ cup etc. use rice/beans

Practical Life	finger dext.	Early sense	Read/write	Arithmetic
drawers	beads	three period	sandpaper	number rod
dressing	bottles tops	tower	command	spindle
pour rice	dropper	fabric	pict/sound	sandpaper
dusting	cutting	thermal	moveable	writing
chair	paint/color	button		# progress
napkin	clay	rough/sm		measuring
set table	puzzle	silence
dishes	sewing	walk line
hands	nature	weight ord
w table	geography	mystery
sweep		sound bot
shoes		color tabl
lacing		scent bot
bow		geo shape

Proper timing of Christ's death and resurection??

2011-04-18T01:22:00.000-07:00

Here is a good article to ponder. Many of our churches today have been doused with pagan beliefs (thanks to Roman Catholic church) in many ways. Because of this the truth is distorted. Although I do not know for sure the timing of events, I know for sure that the Sabbath and Jewish holy days are very important in timing for Christ's death and resurrection. This is even more important to understand than when Christ was conceived and born.

CHAPTER THREE---THE BIBLICAL ACCOUNT OF THE
DEATH AND RESURRECTION OF CHRIST

Having dealt with the origins of Easter and its customs, what is the truth about
the death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ? He did die, and He did
rise from the dead; and the saints praise God for that, for without His death
and resurrection there would be no salvation for any sinner. But even leaving
aside the pagan origins of Easter, the plain fact of the matter is that the
"Easter story" we have heard for so long is not even scripturally correct. The
true facts about the death and resurrection of Christ are distorted at
Easter-time.
Did the Lord Jesus, in fact, die on a Friday?
In Matt. 12:40, Jesus said, "For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the
whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the
heart of the earth." Even as a young boy I used to wonder how anyone could
calculate three days and three nights from late Friday afternoon to early Sunday
morning. It is impossible. Mk. 8:31 says, "And he began to teach them, that
the Son of man must suffer many things, and be rejected of the elders, and of
the chief priests, and scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again."
How long did Jesus consider a day to be? Of course, the Lord knew perfectly how
many hours were in a day. In Jn. 11:9 we read, "Jesus answered, Are there not
twelve hours in the day?" There are twelve hours in a day, and twelve hours in
a night, making a day and a night to be twenty-four hours. Three days and three
nights would be seventy-two hours.
The Jewish reckoning of time began with the evening. In Genesis 1 it says: "And
the evening and the morning were the first day" (vs.5); "And the evening and the
morning were the second day" (vs. 8); etc. It does not say, "morning and
evening", but evening first, and then morning; the first part of the night being
put for the whole, and then the first part of the day being put for the whole.
With the Jews, the day began at sundown (about 6:00 PM), and lasted until the
next sundown, a night and a day.
Jesus died "about the ninth hour" (Matt. 27:46-50) - that is, about 3:00 PM.
Now, the law of Moses stated that the body of one put to death on a tree was to
be buried before sundown (see Deut. 21:22-23). Therefore, Joseph of Arimathaea,
and Nicodemus, must have placed Jesus' body in the tomb just before sundown (see
Jn. 19:38-42). And in fact, Mk. 15:42-43 says that "the even was come" when
this was done.
On what day, then, was Jesus crucified and buried? Was it a Friday? The Bible
declares plainly that He was buried before the Sabbath began (Mk. 15:42; Lk.
23:53-54). The Sabbath would begin at sundown. The weekly Sabbath began at
sundown on what we would call Friday, and lasted until sundown on Saturday. Was
Friday, then, the day on which Christ died?
No, it could not have been. True, the Scriptures declare that He was buried
before the Sabbath began, and it is therefore immediately assumed that He died,
and was buried, on a Friday; because everyone knows that Saturday is the Jewish
Sabbath. However, a very important passage of Scripture is overlooked. In Jn.
19:31, it says, "The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the
bodies should not remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath
day was an high day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and that
they might be taken away." There was a special Sabbath at that time. It was
NOT the weekly Sabbath; it was a "high day" Sabbath.
What was this "high day" Sabbath?
We need to go back to Exodus 12, to the institution of the Passover. This feast
was kept on the 14th day of the month Abib, in the evening (Exod. 12:6). But it
must be remembered that the Jewish day began with the evening. On the evening
of the 14th day, the lamb was killed (vs. 6); and it was eaten, with unleavened
bread, that night (vs. 8).

Then, for seven days following the Passover (i.e., the 15th to the 21st days of
the month), the feast of unleavened bread was held (vs. 15); and the first of
those seven days, and the seventh, were Sabbaths. This is clear from vs. 16.
The Israelites, therefore, ate unleavened bread for eight days: on the Passover
day (14th), and then during the feast of unleavened bread (15th to 21st).
Let us now move on to the Passover period during which Christ was crucified. By
His time, "the Passover" was a term given to both the feasts of Passover AND
unleavened bread; likewise, "the feast of unleavened bread" was a term given to
BOTH feasts as well. Understanding this fact helps us to understand such
passages as Matt. 26:17, Mk. 14:12, Lk. 22:7-8, Jn. 18:28, and Jn. 19:14.
The Passover was kept by Jesus and His disciples the evening of the 14th day,
according to the law. That same night He was betrayed, and arrested, as the
Gospel accounts tell us. He was crucified during the day of the Passover (still
the 14th, since it began with the evening). This brings us to Jn. 19:31, "The
Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not
remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath day was an high
day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and that they might be
taken away." "The preparation" for what? For the Sabbath. NOT, however, the
weekly Sabbath, which was held on Saturday, but the "high day" Sabbath---the
15th day, which was the first day of unleavened bread, and which was, remember,
a Sabbath day (Exod. 12:16). See also Mk. 15:42-43.
Jesus kept the Passover meal during the evening of the 14th; He was crucified
during the day of the 14th (the Passover day, thus becoming "our Passover"-1
Cor. 5:7); and was buried before the beginning of the 15th, which was the first
day of unleavened bread (i.e., before the evening, which for the Jews was the
beginning of a new day).
Jesus, therefore, was not buried before the weekly Saturday Sabbath, but before
this other, special Sabbath.
What day of the week was it?
The Lord was not buried on Friday evening. If He had been, 72 hours later would
mean that He rose on Monday evening. But we know He did not rise on a Monday
evening! For we know that, when the women arrived at the tomb "very early in
the morning the first day of the week" (i.e., Sunday), He was already risen (Mk.
16:2). Nor could He have been buried on Thursday evening, because then He would
have risen on Sunday evening; but we know that when the women arrived on Sunday
morning, the tomb was already empty.
Nor did He rise early on Sunday morning, as is generally supposed, because 72
hours earlier would be Thursday morning; but He did not die on Thursday morning,
nor any morning for that matter, but at about 3:00 PM (Matt. 27:46-50).
We have seen that He was buried towards the evening when the Sabbath began. He
must then have risen after the end of the third day; i.e., after about 6:00 PM
in the evening, which was the beginning of a new day, according to Jewish
reckoning. For it was at approximately this time that He had been buried.
Mk. 16:1 says, "And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the
mother of James, and Salome, had bought sweet spices, that they night come and
anoint him." Think carefully about this verse. They bought spices, after the
Sabbath (for they would not have been able to buy them on the Sabbath). But if
this was the Saturday Sabbath, they would not have been able to buy AND prepare
(see Lk. 23:56) spices in time for Sunday morning. Yet they definitely bought
them after the Sabbath, and before Sunday morning!
According to Lk. 23:56, the women prepared the spices before resting on the
Sabbath. So we find that Mk. 16:1 tells us they BOUGHT the spices AFTER the
Sabbath, and yet Lk. 23:56 tells us they PREPARED the spices BEFORE the Sabbath!
These two Scriptures cannot be harmonized, UNLESS there were two Sabbaths.
What is the truth here? It is this: Jesus must have been crucified on what we
call Wednesday. He was buried before the "high day" Sabbath began; and this
would have begun on Wednesday evening, and continued through Thursday. And then
on Friday, which was a normal day, the women bought the spices, according to Mk.
16:1, and prepared them, according to Lk. 23:56. Then came Saturday, which was
the normal weekly Sabbath, and they rested on that day. And then early Sunday
morning, they went to the tomb, and found it empty (Matt. 28:1-8; Mk. 16:1-8;
Lk. 24:l-10; Jn. 20:1). There are TWO SABBATHS in the biblical accounts of His
death and resurrection. One of them was a "high day" Sabbath. 72 hours after
Wednesday evening would be Saturday evening, the end of the weekly Sabbath.
Jesus was in the tomb Wednesday evening, Thursday evening, and Friday evening
(three nights); and Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (three days). And He rose
sometime after the end of the Saturday Sabbath, and thus on the first day of the
week according to Jewish reckoning, exactly as Scripture states-even though this
is what Westerners would today call Saturday evening!
Lk. 23:54 thru 24:2 says: "And that day was the preparation, and the sabbath
drew
on. And the women also, which came with him from Galilee, followed after, and
beheld the sepulchre, and how his body was laid. And they returned, and prepared
spices and ointments; and rested the sabbath day according to the commandment.
Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto
the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others
with them. And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre." This
passage makes it clear. If it is kept in mind that there were two Sabbaths at
that time, a special one on what we call Thursday and the other, the weekly one,
on Saturday; and that the day in between the two Sabbaths was when they bought
(Mk. 16:1) and prepared the spices; and that they rested on the Saturday, and
then came early Sunday morning; then the Lord must have been crucified on the
Wednesday, and He rose after the end of the Saturday Sabbath. When, therefore,
they came to the tomb early on Sunday morning, He had already been gone from the
tomb for some time. He rose on the first day of the week, but according to the
Jewish reckoning of time---what we would call Saturday evening! It must be
understood that the stone was not rolled away to let the Lord out---it was
rolled away to let the women in (Matt. 28:1-6)! The resurrected Christ was
perfectly able to leave the sealed tomb, as a subsequent event proved (Jn.
20:19).
To all this it may be objected that, although in Matt. 12:40 it is said that the
Lord would be in the tomb "three days and three nights", and although in Mk.
8:31 it is said that He would rise "after three days", yet other passages speak
of Him rising "the third day" (e.g., Matt. 16:21; 17:23; Mk. 10:34; Lk. 24:7; 1
Cor. 15:4; etc.).
This objection, however, may be answered thus:
1. All the scriptural facts given in this chapter prove that He was in the tomb
for three days and three nights.
2. Matt. 27:63 reveals that the Jews understood Him to mean that He would rise
"after three days". Yet He had said, many times, that He would rise "the third
day". So they understood His expression, "the third day", to mean "after three
days".
3. In Matt. 27:64, "until the third day" could not have meant, "until the third
day began" -for they themselves knew He said He would rise "after three days"
(vs.63). It must have meant, "until the third day was past". This furnishes a
further clue to understanding the expression, "the third day".
And so in conclusion, the entire "Easter story" is a false account of the death
and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Listening skills

2011-04-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

Having troubles in your relationships? Pick up the art of listening. Listening can be done by anyone of any faith However, I truly believe that the Christian has a far greater advantage in this area than any other person of any other faith because the Christian knows the truth!

Listen: the Lost Art of Hearing and Understanding

Try listening to your children too!! If they "want" something and you have needs or you know they are putting them self in a dangerous situation stand your ground and find ways to make a safe win-win situation and try to allow them to determine the solution (this will allow them to grow).

Listen to your spouse. This is your priority.

Yes there are times when you have values and logical understandings about life, but in general, when it comes to listening don't impose those "solutions" on the speaker and the relationship will blossom.

Perhaps the relationship with your sister is lingering in the dust...........Just think what would happen in churches if people learned how to LISTEN better!!!!

Find books on how to listen and start practicing that skill today! Yes it takes a lot of work to get it just right but it is a powerful tool indeed. Basically it entails repeating back what the speaker said (perhaps in your own words or in the same) and also pulling out the speaker's feelings for a therapeutic benefit.

Mat 10:40 He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me.

Mat 12:36 But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.

Mat 18:10 Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

Mat 20:26 But it shall not be so among you: but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister;

Mat 20:27 And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant (listener).

Mat 7:1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

Etiquette in Business and Politics

2011-03-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

Chapter XXXII.
Etiquette in Business and Politics

A CERTAIN rich man whose appointment to a foreign post of importance was about to be ratified, came into the corridor of a Washington hotel and stopped to speak with a lady for a few moments. During the whole conversation he kept his hat on his head and a cigar in the corner of his mouth. It happened that the lady was the wife of a prominent senator, and she lost no time in reporting the incident to her husband, who in turn brought the matter to the attention of certain of his colleagues with the result that the appointment did not go through.	1
It is not unlikely that this man thinks “politics played against him,” whereas the only factor against him was his exhibition of ill-breeding which proved him unsuitable to represent the dignity of his country.	2
Etiquette would not seem to play an important part in business, and yet no man can ever tell when its knowledge may be of advantage, or its lack may turn the scale against him. The man who remains “planted” in his chair when a lady (or an older man) speaks to him, who receives customers in his shirt sleeves, who does not take off his hat when talking with a lady and take his cigar out of his mouth when bowing or when addressing her, can never be sure that he is not preparing a witness for the prosecution.	3

ETIQUETTE IN SMOKING The above does not mean that a gentleman may never smoke in the presence of ladies—especially in the presence of those who smoke themselves—but a gentleman should not smoke under the following circumstances: When walking on the street with a lady. When lifting his hat or bowing. In a room, an office, or an elevator, when a lady enters. In any short conversation where he is standing near, or talking with a lady.	4
If he is seated himself for a conversation with a lady on a veranda, in an hotel, in a private house, anywhere where “smoking is permitted,” he first asks, “Do you mind if I smoke?” And if she replies, “Not at all” or “Do, by all means,” it is then proper for him to do so. He should, however, take his cigar, pipe, or cigarette, out of his mouth while he is speaking. One who is very adroit can say a word or two without an unpleasant grimace, but one should not talk with one’s mouth either full of food or barricaded with tobacco.	5
In the country, a gentleman may walk with a lady and smoke at the same time—especially a pipe or cigarette. Why a cigar is less admissible is hard to determine, unless a pipe somehow belongs to the country. A gentleman in golf or country clothes with a pipe in his mouth and a dog at his heels suggests a picture fitting to the scene; while a cigar seems as out of place as a cutaway coat. A pipe on the street in a city, on the other hand, is less appropriate than a cigar in the country. In any event he will, of course, ask his companion’s permission to smoke.	6

MANNERS AND BUSINESS If you had a commission to give and you entered a man’s office and found him lolling back in a tipped swivel chair, his feet above his head, the ubiquitous cigar in his mouth and his drowsy attention fixed on the sporting page of the newspaper, you would be impressed not so much by his lack of good manners as by his bad business policy, because of the incompetence that his attitude suggests. It is scarcely necessary to ask: Would you give an important commission to him who has no apparent intention of doing anything but “take his ease”; or to him who is found occupied at his desk, who gets up with alacrity upon your entrance, and is seemingly “on his toes” mentally as well as actually? Or, would you go in preference to a man whose manners resemble those of a bear at the Zoo, if you could go to another whose business ability is supplemented by personal charm? And this again is merely an illustration of bad manners and good.	7

AN ADVANTAGE OF POLISH One advantage of polish is that one’s opponent can never tell what is going on under the glazed surface of highly finished manners, whereas an unfinished surface is all too easily penetrated. And since business encounters are often played like poker hands, it is surely a bad plan to be playing with a mind-reader who can plainly divine his opponent’s cards, while his own are unrevealed.	8
Manners that can by any possibility be construed as mincing, foppish or effeminate are not recommended; but a gentleman who says “Good morning” to his employees and who invariably treats all women as “ladies,” does not half so much flatter their vanity as win their respect for himself as a gentleman. Again, good manners are, after all, nothing but courteous consideration of other people’s interests and feelings. That being true, does it not follow that all customers, superior officers and employees prefer an executive whose good manners imply consideration of his customer’s, his company’s and his employee’s interest as well as merely his own?	9

PERFECT POLISH THAT IS UNSUSPECTED The president of a great industry, whose mastery of etiquette is one of his chief assets, so submerges this asset in other and more apparent qualifications, that every plain man he comes in contact with takes it for granted that he is an equally “plain” man himself. He is plain in so far as he is straightforward in attitude and simple in manner. No red tape is required apparently to penetrate into this president’s private office, whereas many “small” men are guarded with pretentiousness that is often an effort to give an impression of “importance.”	10
In this big man’s employ there is an especial assistant chosen purposely because of his tact and good manners. If an unknown person asks to see Mr. President, this deputy is sent out (as from most offices) to find out what the visitor’s business is; but instead of being told bluntly the boss doesn’t know him and can’t see him, the visitor is made to feel how much the president will regret not seeing him. Perhaps he is told, “Mr. President is in conference just now. I know he would not like you to be kept waiting; can I be of any service to you? I am his junior assistant.” If the visitor’s business is really with the president, he is admitted to the chief executive’s office, since it is the latter’s policy to see every one that he can.	11
He has a courteous manner that makes every one feel there is nothing in the day’s work half so important as what his visitor has come to see him about! Nor is this manner insincere; for whatever time one sees him, he gives his undivided attention. Should his time be short, and the moment approach when he is due at an appointment, his secretary enters, a purposely arranged ten minutes ahead of the time necessary for the close of the present interview, and apologetically reminds him, “I’m sorry, Mr. President, but your appointment with the ‘Z’ committee is due.” Mr. President with seeming unconcern, uses up most of the ten minutes, and his lingering close of the conversation gives his visitor the impression that he must have been late at his appointment, and wholly because of the unusual interest felt in his caller.	12
This is neither sincerity nor insincerity, but merely bringing social knowledge into business dealing. To make a pleasant and friendly impression is not alone good manners, but equally good business. The crude man would undoubtedly show his eagerness to be rid of his visitor, and after offending the latter’s self-pride because of his inattentive discourtesy, be late for his own appointment! The man of skill saw his visitor for fewer actual minutes, but gave the impression that circumstances over which he had no control forced him unwillingly to close the interview. He not only gained the good will of his visitor, but arrived at his own appointment in plenty of time.	13
To listen attentively when one is spoken to, is merely one of the rules of etiquette. The man who, while some one is talking to him, gazes out of the window or up at the ceiling, who draws squares and circles on the blotter, or is engrossed in his finger-nails or his shoes, may in his own mind be “finessing,” or very likely he is bored! In the first case, the chances are he will lose the game; in the second, lots of people are bored, hideously bored, and most often the fault is their own; always they are at fault who show it.	14

GOOD MANNERS AND “GOOD MIXERS” When one thinks of a man who is known in politics and business as a “good mixer,” one is apt to think of him as a rough diamond rather than a polished one. In picturing a gentleman, a man of high cultivation, one instinctively thinks of one who is somewhat aloof and apart. A good mixer among uncouth men may quite accurately be one who is also uncouth; but the best “mixer” of all is one who adjusts himself equally well to finer as well as to plainer society. Education that does not confer flexibility of mind is an obviously limited education; the man of broadest education tunes himself in unison with whomever he happens to be. The more subjects he knows about, the more people he is in sympathy with, and therefore the more customers or associates or constituents he is sure to have.	15
The really big man—it makes little difference whether he was born with a gold spoon in his mouth or no spoon at all—is always one whose interest in people, things, and events is a stimulating influence upon all those he comes in contact with.	16
He who says, “That does not interest me,” or “That bores me,” defines his own limitations. He who is unable to project sympathy into other problems or classes than his own is an unimportant person though he have the birth of a Cecil and the manners of a Chesterfield. Every gentleman has an inalienable right to his own reserves—that goes without saying—and because he can project sympathy and understanding where and when he chooses, does not for one moment mean that he thereby should break down the walls of his instinctive defenses.	17
It is not the latter type, but the “Gentleman Limited” who has belittled the name of “gentleman” in the world of work; not so much because he is a gentleman, as because he is not entirely one. He who is every inch a gentleman as well as every inch a man is the highest type in the world to-day, just as he has always been. The do-nothing gentleman is equally looked down upon everywhere.	18

ETIQUETTE IN “REVERSE GEAR” Etiquette, remember, is merely a collection of forms by which all personal contacts in life are made smooth. The necessity for a “rough” man to become polished so that he may meet men of cultivation on an equal footing, has an equally important reverse. The time has gone by when a gentleman by grace of God, which placed him in a high-born position, can control numbers of other men placed beneath him. Every man takes his place to-day according to born position plus the test of his own experience. And just as an unlettered expert in business is only half authoritative to men of high cultivation, so also is the gentleman, no matter how much he knows of Latin, Greek, history, art and polish of manner, handicapped according to his ignorance on the subject of another’s expertness. Etiquette, in reverse, prescribes this necessity for complete knowledge in every contact in life. Through knowledge alone, does one prove one’s right to authority. For instance:	19
A man in a machine ship is working at a lathe. An officer of the company comes into the shop, a gentleman in white collar and good clothes! He stands behind the mechanic and “curses him out” because his work is inefficient. When he turns away, the man at the lathe says, “Who was that guy anyway? What business has he to teach me my job?” Instead of accepting the criticism, he resents what he considers unwarranted interference by a man in another “class.”	20
But supposing instead of standing by and talking about inefficiency, the “gentleman” had said, “Get out of there a moment!” and throwing off his coat and rolling up his silk shirt sleeves, he had operated the lathe with a smoothness and rapidity that could only have been acquired through long experience at a bench. The result would be that the next time he came on a tour of inspection that particular man (as well as all those who were witnesses of the former scene) would not only listen to him with respect but without resentment of his “class,” because his expertness proved that he had earned his right to good clothes and silk shirts, and to tell those beneath him how work should be done.	21
The same test applies to any branch of experience: a man who knows as much about any “specialty” as an expert does himself, makes the “expert” think at once, “This man is a wonder!” The very fact that the first man is not making the subject his specialty, intensifies the achievement. Everything he says after that on subjects of which the second man knows nothing is accepted without question. Whenever you know as much as the other man, whether you are socially above, or below him, you are on that subject his equal; when you know more than he does, you have the advantage.	22

THE SELF-MADE MAN AND WORLD-MADE MANNERS It is not in order to shine in society that grace of manner is an asset; comparatively few people in a community care a rap about “society” anyway! A man of affairs whose life is spent in doing a man’s work in a man’s way is not apt to be thrilled at the thought of putting on “glad” clothes and going out with his wife to a “pink” tea or a ball.	23
But what many successful men do not realize is that a fundamental knowledge of etiquette is no less an asset in business or public life, or in any other contact with people, than it is in society.	24
Just as any expert, whether at a machine bench, an accountant’s desk, or at golf, gives an impression of such ease as to make his accomplishment seemingly require no skill, a bungler makes himself and every one watching him uneasy if not actually fearful of his awkwardness. And as inexpertness is quite as irritating in personal as in mechanical bungling, so there is scarcely any one who sooner or later does not feel the need of social expertness. Something, some day, will awaken him to the folly of scorning as “soft,” men who have accomplished manners; despising as “effeminate,” youths who have physical grace; of being contemptuous of the perfect English of the well-bred gentleman; of consoling himself with the thought that his own crudeness is strong, and manly, and American!	25

THE “X” MARKERS But let “success” come to this same inexpert man—let him be appointed to high office, let him then shuffle from foot to foot, never knowing what to do or say, let him meet open derision or ill-concealed contempt from every educated person brought in contact with him, let opprobrium fall upon his State because its governor is a boor, and let him as such be written of in the editorials of the press and in the archives of history! Will he be so pleased with himself then? Does any one think of Theodore Roosevelt as “soft” or “effeminate” because he was one of the greatest masters of etiquette who ever bore the most exalted honor that can be awarded by the people of the United States? Washington was completely a gentleman—and so was Abraham Lincoln. Because Lincoln’s etiquette was self-taught it was no less masterly for that! Whether he happened to know a lot of trifling details of pseudo etiquette matters not in the least. Awkward he may have been, but the essence of him was courtesy—unfailing courtesy. No “rough, uneducated” man has command of perfect English, and Lincoln’s English is supreme.	26
One thing that some Men of Might forget is that lack of polish in its wider aspects is merely lack of education. They themselves look down upon a man who has to make an “X” mark in place of signing his name—but they overlook entirely that to those more highly educated, they are themselves in degree quite as ignorant.	27

SONS OF SELF-MADE MEN And yet, speak to self-made men of the need of the social graces for their sons, and nine out of ten stampede—for all the world as though it were suggested to put them in petticoats. Do they think a poor unlettered lout who shambles at the door, who stands unable to speak, who turns his cap in his hands, who sidles into the room, and can’t for the life of him get out again, well trained for the battle of life?	28
Picture that Mr. Strong Man who thrusts his thumbs into his armholes and sits tipped back in his chair with a cigar in the corner of his mouth and his heels comfortably reposing on his solid mahogany desk. This is not in criticism of his relaxation, it is his own desk and certainly he has a right to put his heels on it if he wants to; likewise thumbs and armholes are his own. It is merely a picture that leads to another: Supposing a very great man comes into Mr. Strong Man’s office—one whom he may consider a great man, a president perhaps of a big industry or of a railroad, or a senator—and shortly afterwards, Strong Man’s own son comes into the room. Would he like to see his son abashed, awkward, spasmodically jerky, like the poor bumpkin who came the other day to ask about removing the ashes, or worse yet, bold and boisterous or cheeky; or would he like that boy of his to come forward with an entire lack of self-consciousness, and as his father introduces him as “My Son!” have him put out his hand in frank and easy and yet deferential friendliness? And then saying quickly and quietly whatever it was he came to say, as quickly and quietly make his way out again? Would he be sorry that the big man thought, “Fine boy that! Ability too!” Why would he think he had ability? Because the ease and dexterity with which he handled the social incident automatically suggests ability to handle other situations!	29

ETIQUETTE AND BUSINESS AUTHORITY Another point: Does the self-made man stop to realize that his authority in business would be even greater than it is if he had the hall-marks of cultivation? For instance, when he comes in contact with college graduates and other cultivated men, his opinions gain or lose in weight exactly in proportion as he proves to be in their own “class” or below it.	30
A man unconsciously judges the authority of others by the standard of his own expert knowledge. A crude man may be a genius in business management, but in the unspoken opinion of men of education, he is in other contacts inferior to themselves. He is an authority they grant, but in limited lines only.	31
But when a man is met with who combines with business genius the advantage of polished manners and evident cultivation, his opinion on any subject broached at once assumes added weight. Doesn’t it? Post, Emily. Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home. New York: Funk & Wagnalls, 1922. Bartleby.com

Etiquette: Games and Sports

2011-03-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

Chapter XXXI.
Games and Sports

THE POPULARITY of bridge whist began a quarter of a century ago with the older people and has increased slowly but steadily until it is scarcely an exaggeration to say that those who do not play bridge, which means “auction,” are seldom asked out. And the epidemic is just as widespread among girls and boys as among older people. Bridge is always taken seriously; a bumble puppy game won’t do at all, even among the youngest players, and other qualifications of character and of etiquette must be observed by every one who would be sought after to “make up a four.”	1

PEOPLE CHARMING TO PLAY BRIDGE WITH That no one likes a poor partner—or even a poor opponent—goes without saying.	2
The ideal partner is one who never criticises or even seems to be aware of your mistakes, but on the contrary recognizes a good maneuver on your part, and gives you credit for it whether you win the hand or lose; whereas the inferior player is apt to judge you merely by what you win, and blame your “make” if you “go down,” though your play may have been exceptionally good and the loss even occasioned by wrong information which he himself gave you. Also, to be continually found fault with makes you play your worst; whereas appreciation of good judgment on your part acts as a tonic and you play seemingly “better than you know how.”	3

PEOPLE DISLIKED AT THE BRIDGE TABLE There is nothing which more quickly reveals the veneered gentleman than the card table, and his veneer melts equally with success or failure. Being carried away by the game, he forgets to keep on his company polish, and if he wins, he becomes grasping or overbearing, because of his “skill”; if he loses he sneers at the “luck” of others and seeks to justify himself for the same fault that he criticised a moment before in another.	4
A trick that is annoying to moderately skilled players, is to have an over-confident opponent throw down his hand saying: “The rest of the tricks are mine!” and often succeed in “putting it over,” when it is quite possible that they might not be his if the hand were played out. Knowing themselves to be poorer players, the others are apt not to question it, but they feel none the less that their “rights” have been taken from them.	5
A rather trying partner is the nervous player, who has no confidence in his own judgment and will invariably pass a good hand in favor of his partner’s bid. If, for instance, he has six perfectly good diamonds, he doesn’t mention them because, his partner having declared a heart, he thinks to himself “Her hearts must be better than my diamonds.” But a much more serious failing—and one that is far more universal—is the habit of overbidding.	6

OVERBIDDING In poker you play alone and can therefore play as carefully or as foolishly as you please, but in bridge your partner has to suffer with you, and you therefore are in honor bound to play the best you know how—and the best you know how is as far as can possibly be from overbidding.	7
Remember that your partner, if he is a good player, counts on you for certain definite cards that you announce by your bid to be in your hand, and raises you accordingly. If you have not these cards you not only lose that particular hand, but destroy his confidence in you, and the next time when he has a legitimate raise for you, he will fail to give it. He disregards you entirely because he is afraid of you! You must study the rules for makes and never under any circumstances give your partner misinformation; this is the most vital rule there is, and any one who disregards it is detested at the bridge table. No matter how great the temptation to make a gambler’s bid, you are in honor bound to refrain.	8
The next essential, if you would be thought “charming,” is never to take your partner to task no matter how stupidly he may have “thrown the hand.”	9

DON’TS FOR THOSE WHO WOULD BE SOUGHT AFTER Don’t hold a “post-mortem” on anybody’s delinquencies (unless you are actually teaching).	10
If luck is against you, it will avail nothing to sulk or complain about the “awful” cards you are holding. Your partner is suffering just as much in finding you a “poison vine” as you are in being one—and you can scarcely expect your opponents to be sympathetic. You must learn to look perfectly tranquil and cheerful even though you hold nothing but yarboroughs for days on end, and you must on no account try to defend your own bad play—ever. When you have made a play of poor judgment, the best thing you can say is, “I’m very sorry, partner,” and let it go at that.	11
Always pay close attention to the game. When you are dummy you have certain duties to your partner, and so do not wander around the room until the hand is over. If you don’t know what your duties are, read the rules until you know them by heart and then—begin all over again! It is impossible to play any game without a thorough knowledge of the laws that govern it, and you are at fault in making the attempt.	12
Don’t be offended if your partner takes you out of a bid, and don’t take him out for the glory of playing the hand. He is quite as anxious to win the rubber as you are. It is unbelievable how many people regard their partner as a third opponent.	13

MANNERISMS AT THE CARD TABLE Mannerisms must be avoided like the plague. If there is one thing worse than the horrible “post-mortem,” it is the incessant repetition of some jarring habit by one particular player. The most usual and most offensive is that of snapping down a card as played, or bending a “trick” one has taken into a letter “U,” or picking it up and trotting it up and down on the table.	14
Other pet offenses are drumming on the table with one’s fingers, making various clicking, whistling, or humming sounds, massaging one’s face, scratching one’s chin with the cards, or waving the card one is going to play aloft in the air in Smart Alec fashion as though shouting, “I know what you are going to lead! And my card is ready!” All mannerisms that attract attention are in the long run equally unpleasant—even unendurable to one’s companions.	15
Many people whose game is otherwise admirable are rarely asked to play because they have allowed some such silly and annoying habit to take its hold upon them.	16

THE GOOD LOSER The good loser makes it an invariable rule never to play for stakes that it will be inconvenient to lose. The neglect of this rule has been responsible for more “bad losers” than anything else, and needless to say a bad loser is about as welcome at a card table as rain at a picnic.	17
Of course there are people who can take losses beyond their means with perfect cheerfulness and composure. Some few are so imbued with the gambler’s instinct that a heavy turn of luck, in either direction, is the salt of life. But the average person is equally embarrassed in winning or losing a stake “that matters” and the only answer is to play for one that doesn’t.	18

GOLF Golf is a particularly severe strain upon the amiability of the average person’s temper, and in no other game, except bridge, is serenity of disposition so essential. No one easily “ruffled” can keep a clear eye on the ball, and exasperation at “lost balls” seemingly bewitches successive ones into disappearing with the completeness and finality of puffs of smoke. In a race or other test of endurance a flare of anger might even help, but in golf it is safe to say that he who loses his temper is pretty sure to lose the game.	19
Golf players of course know the rules and observe them, but it quite often happens that idlers, having nothing better to do, walk out over a course and “watch the players.” If they know the players well, that is one thing, but they have no right to follow strangers. A player who is nervous is easily put off his game, especially if those watching him are so ill-bred as to make audible remarks. Those playing matches of course expect an audience, and erratic and nervous players ought not to go into tournaments—or at least not in two-ball foursomes where they are likely to handicap a partner.	20
In following a match, onlookers must be careful to stand well within bounds and neither talk nor laugh nor do anything that can possibly distract the attention of the players.	21
The rule that you should not appoint yourself mentor holds good in golf as well as in bridge and every other game. Unless your advice is asked for, you should not instruct others how to hold their clubs or which ones to use, or how they ought to make the shot.	22
A young woman must on no account expect the man she happens to be playing with to make her presents of golf-balls, or to caddy for her, nor must she allow him to provide her with a caddy. If she can’t afford to hire one of her own, she must either carry her own clubs or not play golf.	23

OTHER GAMES AND SPORTS There are fixed rules for the playing of every game—and for proper conduct in every sport. The details of these rules must be studied in the “books of the game,” learned from instructors, or acquired by experience. A small boy perhaps learns to fish or swim by himself, but he is taught by his father or a guide—at all events, some one—how and how not to hold a gun, cast a fly, or ride a horse. But apart from the technique of each sport, or the rules of each game, the etiquette or more correctly, the basic principles of good sportsmanship, are the same.	24
In no sport or game can any favoritism or evasion of rules be allowed. Sport is based upon impersonal and indiscriminating fairness to every one alike, or it is not “sport.”	25
And to be a good sportsman, one must be a stoic and never show rancor in defeat, or triumph in victory, or irritation, no matter what annoyance is encountered. One who can not help sulking, or explaining, or protesting when the loser, or exulting when the winner, has no right to take part in games and contests.	26

“PLAYING THE GAME” If you would be thought to play the game, meaning if you aspire to be a true sportsman, you must follow the rules of sportsmanship the world over:	27
Never lose your temper.	28
Play for the sake of playing rather than to win.	29
Never stop in the middle of a tennis or golf match and complain of a lame ankle, especially if you are losing. Unless it is literally impossible for you to go on, you must stick it out.	30
If you are a novice, don’t ask an expert to play with you, especially as your partner. If he should ask you in spite of your shortcomings, maintain the humility proper to a beginner.	31
If you are a woman, don’t ape the ways and clothing of men. If you are a man, don’t take advantage of your superior strength to set a pace beyond the endurance of a woman opponent.	32
And always give the opponent the benefit of the doubt! Nothing is more important to your standing as a sportsman, though it costs you the particular point in question.	33
A true sportsman is always a cheerful loser, a quiet winner, with a very frank appreciation of the admirable traits in others, which he seeks to emulate, and his own shortcomings, which he tries to improve. Post, Emily. Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home. New York: Funk & Wagnalls, 1922. Bartleby.com

Etiquette: Clubs and Club Etiquette

2011-02-20T06:00:00.000-08:00

Chapter XXX.
Clubs and Club Etiquette

A CLUB, as every one knows, is merely an organization of people—men or women or both—who establish club rooms, in which they meet at specified times for specified purposes, or which they use casually and individually. A club’s membership may be limited to a dozen or may include several thousands, and the procedure in joining a club may be easy or difficult, according to the type of club and the standing of the would-be member.	1
Membership in many athletic associations may be had by walking in and paying dues; also many country golf-clubs are as free to the public as country inns; but joining a purely social club of rank and exclusiveness is a very different matter. A man to be eligible for membership in such a club must not only be completely a gentleman, but he must have friends among the members who like him enough to be willing to propose him and second him and write letters for him; and furthermore he must be disliked by no one—at least not sufficiently for any member to object seriously to his company.	2
There are two ways of joining a club; by invitation and by making application or having it made for you. To join by invitation means that you are invited when the club is started to be one of the founders or charter members, or if you are a distinguished citizen you may at the invitation of the governors become an honorary member, or in a small or informal club you may become an ordinary member by invitation or suggestion of the governors that you would be welcome. A charter member pays dues, but not always an initiation fee; an honorary member pays neither dues nor initiation, he is really a permanent guest of the club. A life member is one who pays his dues for twenty years or so in a lump sum, and is exempted from dues even if he lives to be a hundred. Few clubs have honorary members and none have more than half a dozen, so that this type of membership may as well be disregarded.	3
The ordinary members of a club are either resident, meaning that they live within fifty miles of the club; or non-resident, living beyond that distance and paying less dues but having the same privileges.	4
In certain of the London clubs, one or two New York ones, and the leading club in several other cities, it is not unusual for a boy’s name to be put up for membership as soon as he is born. If his name comes up while he is a minor, it is laid aside until after his twenty-first birthday and then put at the head of the list of applicants and voted upon at the next meeting of the governors.	5
In all clubs in which membership is limited and much sought after, the waiting list is sure to be long and a name takes anywhere from five to more than ten years to come up.	6

HOW A NAME IS “PUT UP” Since a gentleman is scarcely likely to want to join a club in which the members are not his friends, he tells a member of his family, or an intimate friend, that he would like to join the Nearby Club, and adds, “Do you mind putting me up? I will ask Dick to second me.” The friend says, “I’ll be very glad to,” and Dick says the same. It is still more likely that the suggestion to join comes from a friend, who says one day, “Why don’t you join the Nearby Club? It would be very convenient for you.” The other says, “I think I should like to,” and the first replies, “Let me put you up, and Dick will be only too glad to second you.”	7
It must be remembered that a gentleman has no right to ask any one who is not really one of his best friends to propose or second him. It is an awkward thing to refuse in the first place, and in the second it involves considerable effort, and on occasion a great deal of annoyance and trouble.	8
For example let us suppose that Jim Smartlington asks Donald Lovejoy to propose him and Clubwin Doe to second him. His name is written in the book kept for the purpose and signed by both proposer and seconder: Smartlington, James Proposer: Donald Lovejoy Seconder: Clubwin Doe	9
Nothing more is done until the name is posted—meaning that it appears among a list of names put up on the bulletin-board in the club house. It is then the duty of Lovejoy and Doe each to write a letter of endorsement to the governors of the club, to be read by them when they hold the meeting at which his name comes up for election.	10
Example: Board of Governors, The Nearby Club. Dear sirs: It affords me much pleasure to propose for membership in the Nearby Club Mr. James Smartlington. I have known Mr. Smartlington for many years and consider him qualified in every way for membership. He is a graduate of Yalvard, class 1916, rowed on the Varsity crew, and served in the 180th, as 1st Lieut., overseas during the war. He is now in his father’s firm (Jones, Smartlington & Co.). Yours very truly, Donald Lovejoy.	11
Lovejoy must also at once tell Smartlington to ask about six friends who are club-members (but not governors) to write letters endorsing him. Furthermore, the candidate can not come up for election unless he knows several of the governors personally, who can vouch for him at the meeting. Therefore Lovejoy and Doe must one or the other take Smartlington to several governors (at their offices generally) and personally present him, or very likely they invite two or three of the governors and Smartlington to lunch.	12
Even under the best of circumstances it is a nuisance for a busy man to have to make appointments at the offices of other busy men. And since it is uncertain which of the governors will be present at any particular meeting, it is necessary to introduce the candidate to a sufficient number so that at least two among those at the meeting will be able to speak for him.	13
In the example we have chosen, Clubwin Doe, having himself been a governor and knowing most of the present ones very well, has less difficulty in presenting his candidate to them than many other members might have, who, though they have for years belonged to the club, have used it so seldom that they know few, if any, of the governors even by sight.	14
At the leading woman’s club of New York, the governors appoint an hour on several afternoons before elections when they are in the visitors’ rooms at the club house on purpose to meet the candidates whom their proposers must present. This would certainly seem a more practicable method, to say nothing of its being easier for everyone concerned, than the masculine etiquette which requires that the governors be stalked one by one, to the extreme inconvenience and loss of time and occasionally the embarrassment of every one.	15
As already said, Jim Smartlington, having unusually popular and well-known sponsors and being also very well liked himself, is elected with little difficulty.	16
But take the case of young Breezy: He was put up by two not well-known members, who wrote half-hearted endorsements themselves and did nothing about getting letters from others; they knew none of the governors, and trusted that two who knew Breezy slightly “would do.” His casual proposer forgot that enemies write letters as well as friends—and that moreover enmity is active where friendship is often passive. Two men who disliked his “manner” wrote that they considered him “unsuitable,” and as he had no friends strong enough to stand up for him, he was turned down. A gentleman is rarely “black-balled,” as such an action could not fail to injure him in the eyes of the world. (The expression “black ball” comes from the custom of voting for a member by putting a white ball in a ballot box, or against him by putting in a black one.) If a candidate is likely to receive a black ball, the governors do not vote on him at all, but inform the proposer that the name of his candidate would better be withdrawn. Later on, if the objection to him is disproved or overcome, his name can again be put up.	17
The more popular the candidate, the less work there is for his proposer and seconder. A stranger—if he is not a member of the representative club in his own city—would have need of strong friends to elect him to an exclusive one in another, and an unpopular man has no chance at all.	18
However, in all except very rare instances events run smoothly; the candidate is voted on at a meeting of the board of governors and is elected.	19
A notice is mailed to him next morning, telling him that he has been elected and that his initiation fee and his dues make a total of so much. The candidate thereupon at once draws his check for the amount and mails it. As soon as the secretary has had ample time to receive the check, the new member is free to use the club as much or as little as he cares to.	20

THE NEW MEMBER The new member usually, but not necessarily, goes for the first time to a club with his proposer or his seconder, or at least an old member; for since in exclusive clubs visitors living in the same city are never given the privilege of the club, none but members can know their way about. Let us say he goes for lunch or dinner, at which he is host, and his friend imparts such unwritten information as: “That chair in the window is where old Gotrox always sits; don’t occupy it when you see him coming in or he will be disagreeable to everybody for a week.” Or “They always play double stakes at this table, so don’t sit at it, unless you mean to.” Or “That’s Double coming in now, avoid him at bridge as you would the plague.” “The roasts are always good and that waiter is the best in the room,” etc.	21
A new member is given—or should ask for—a copy of the Club Book, which contains besides the list of the members, the constitution and the by-laws or “house rules,” which he must study carefully and be sure to obey.	22

COUNTRY CLUBS Country clubs are as a rule less exclusive and less expensive than the representative city clubs, but those like the Myopia Hunt, the Tuxedo, the Saddle and Cycle, the Burlingame, and countless others in between, are many of them more expensive to belong to than any clubs in London or New York, and are precisely the same in matters of membership and management. They are also quite as difficult to be elected to as any of the exclusive clubs in the cities—more so if anything, because they are open to the family and friends of every member, whereas in a man’s club in a city his membership gives the privilege of the club to no one but himself personally. The test question always put by the governors at elections is: “Are the candidate’s friends as well as his family likely to be agreeable to the present members of the Club?” If not, he is not admitted.	23
Nearly all country clubs have, however, one open door—unknown to city ones. People taking houses in the neighborhood are often granted “season privileges”; meaning that on being proposed by a member and upon paying a season subscription, new householders are accepted as transient guests. In some clubs this season subscription may be indefinitely renewed; in others a man must come up for regular election at the end of three months or six or a year.	24
Apart from what may be called the few representative and exclusive country clubs, there are hundreds—more likely thousands—which have very simple requirements for membership. The mere form of having one or two members vouch for a candidate’s integrity and good behavior is sufficient.	25
Golf clubs, hunting clubs, political or sports clubs have special membership qualifications; all good golf players are as a rule welcomed at all golf clubs; all huntsmen at hunting clubs, and yet the Myopia would not think of admitting the best rider ever known if he was not unquestionably a gentleman. But this is unusual. As a rule, the great player is welcomed in any club specially devoted to the sport in which he excels.	26
In many clubs a stranger may be given a three (sometimes it is six) months’ transient membership, available in some instances to foreigners only; in others to strangers living beyond a certain distance. A name is proposed and seconded by two members and then voted on by the governors, or the house committee.	27
The best known and most distinguished club of New England has an “Annex” in which there are dining-rooms to which ladies as well as gentlemen who are not members are admitted, and this annex plan has since been followed by others elsewhere.	28
All men’s clubs have private dining-rooms in which members can give stag dinners, but the representative men’s clubs exclude ladies absolutely from ever crossing their thresholds.	29

WOMEN’S CLUBS Excepting that the luxurious women’s club has an atmosphere that a man rarely knows how to give to the interior of a house, no matter how architecturally perfect it may be, there is no difference between women’s and men’s clubs.	30
In every State of the Union there are women’s clubs of every kind and grade; social, political, sports, professional; some housed in enormous and perfect buildings constructed for them, and some perhaps in only a room or two.	31
When the pioneer women’s club of New York was started, a club that aspired to be in the same class as the most important men’s club, various governors of the latter were unflatteringly outspoken; women could not possibly run a club as it should be run—it was unthinkable that they should be foolish enough to attempt it! And the husbands and fathers of the founders expected to have to dig down in their pockets to make up the deficit; forgetting entirely that the running of a club is merely the running of a house on a large scale, and that women, not men, are the perfect housekeepers. To-day, no clubs anywhere are more perfect in appointment or better run than the representative women’s clubs. In fact, some of the men’s clubs have been forced to follow the lead of the foremost of them and to realize that a club in which members merely sit about and look out of the window is a pretty dull place to the type of younger members they most want to attract, and that the combination of the comfort and smartness of a perfectly run private house with every equipment for athletics, is becoming the ideal in club-life and club-building to-day.	32

GOOD MANNERS IN CLUBS Good manners in clubs are the same as good manners elsewhere—only a little more so. A club is for the pleasure and convenience of many; it is never intended as a stage-setting for a “star” or “clown” or “monologist.” There is no place where a person has greater need of restraint and consideration for the reserves of others than in a club. In every club there is a reading-room or library where conversation is not allowed; there are books and easy chairs and good light for reading both by day and night; and it is one of the unbreakable rules not to speak to anybody who is reading—or writing.	33
When two people are sitting by themselves and talking, another should on no account join them unless he is an intimate friend of both. To be a mere acquaintance, or, still less, to have been introduced to one of them, gives no privilege whatever.	34
The fact of being a club member does not (except in a certain few especially informal clubs) grant any one the right to speak to strangers. If a new member happens to find no one in the club whom he knows, he goes about his own affairs. He either sits down and reads or writes, or “looks out of the window,” or plays solitaire, or occupies himself as he would if he were alone in a hotel.	35
It is courteous of a governor or habitual member, on noticing a new member or a visitor, especially one who seems to be rather at a loss—to go up and speak to him, but the latter must on no account be the one to speak first. Certain New York and Boston clubs, as well as those of London, have earned a reputation for snobbishness because the members never speak to those they do not know. Through no intent to be disagreeable, but just because it is not customary, New York people do not speak to those they do not know, and it does not occur to them that strangers feel slighted until they themselves are given the same medicine in London; or going elsewhere in America, they appreciate the courtesy and kindness of the South and West.	36
The fundamental rule for behavior in a club is the same as in the drawing-room of a private house. In other words, heels have no place on furniture, ashes belong in ash-receivers, books should not be abused, and all evidence of exercising should be confined to the courts or courses and the locker room. Many people who wouldn’t think of lolling around the house in unfit attire, come trooping into country clubs with their steaming faces, clammy shirts, and rumpled hair, giving too awful evidence of recent exertion, and present fitness for the bathtub.	37

THE PERFECT CLUBMAN The perfect clubman is another word for the perfect gentleman. He never allows himself to show irritability to any one, he makes it a point to be courteous to a new member or an old member’s guest. He scrupulously observes the rules of the club, he discharges his card debts at the table, he pays his share always, with an instinctive horror of sponging, and lastly, he treats everyone with the same consideration which he expects—and demands—from them.	38

THE INFORMAL CLUB The informal club is often more suggestive of a fraternity than a club, in that every member speaks to every other—always. In one of the best known of this type, the members are artists, authors, scientists, sportsmen and other thinkers and doers. There is a long table set every day for lunch at which the members gather and talk, every one to every one else. There is another dining-room where solitary members may sit by themselves or bring in outsiders if they care to. None but members sit at the “round” table which isn’t “round” in the least!	39
The informal club is always a comparatively small one, but the method of electing members varies. In some, it is customary to take the vote of the whole club, in others members are elected by the governors first, and then asked to join. In this case no man may ask to have his name put up. In others the conventional methods are followed.	40

THE VISITORS IN A CLUB In every club in the United States a member is allowed to “introduce” a stranger (living at least fifty miles away) for a length of time varying with the by-laws of the club. In some clubs guests may be put up for a day only, in others the privilege extends for two weeks or more.	41
Many clubs allow each member a certain number of visitors a year; in others visitors are unlimited. But in all city clubs the same guest can not be introduced twice within the year. In country clubs visitors may always be brought in by members in unlimited numbers.	42
As a rule when a member introduces a stranger, he takes him to the club personally, writes his name in the visitors’ book, and introduces him to those who may be in the room at the time—very possibly asking another member whom he knows particularly well to “look out” for his guest. If for some reason it is not possible for the stranger’s host to take him to the club, he writes to the secretary of the club for a card of introduction.	43
Example: Secretary, The Town Club. Dear Sir: Kindly send Mr. A. M. Strangleigh a card extending the privileges of the Club for one week. Mr. Strangleigh is a resident of London. Yours very truly, Clubwin Doe.	44
The secretary then sends a card to Mr. Strangleigh:	45
Mr. Strangleigh goes to the club by himself. A visitor who has been given the privileges of the club has, during the time of his visit, all the rights of a member excepting that he is not allowed to introduce others to the club, and he can not give a dinner in the private dining-room. Strict etiquette also demands, if he wishes to ask several members to dine with him, that he take them to a restaurant rather than into the club dining-room, since the club is their home and he is a stranger in it. He may ask a member whom he knows well to lunch with him in the club rooms, but he must not ask one whom he knows only slightly. As accounts are sent to the member who put him up—unless the guest arranges at the club’s office to have his charges rendered to himself, he must be punctilious to ask for his bill upon leaving, and pay it without question.	46
Putting a man up at a club never means that the member is “host.” The visitor’s status throughout his stay is founded on the courtesy of the member who introduced him, and he should try to show an equal courtesy to every one about him. He should remember not to obtrude on the privacy of the members he does not know. He has no right to criticise the management, the rules or the organization of the club. He has, in short, no actual rights at all, and he must not forget that he hasn’t!	47

CLUB ETIQUETTE IN LONDON, PARIS AND NEW YORK “In a very smart London club” (the words quoted are Clubwin Doe’s) “you keep your hat on and glare about! In Paris you take your hat off and behave with such courtesy and politeness as seems to you an affectation. In New York you take your hat off and behave as though the rooms were empty; but as though you were being observed through loop-holes in the walls.”	48
In New York you are introduced occasionally, but you may never ask to be introduced, and you speak only to those you have been introduced to. In London, you are never introduced to any one, but if the member who has taken you with him joins a group and you all sit down together, you talk as you would after dinner in a gentleman’s house. But if you are made a temporary member and meet those you have been talking to when you are alone the next day, you do not speak unless spoken to. In Paris, your host punctiliously introduces you to various members and you must just as punctiliously go the next day to their houses and leave your card upon each one! This is customary in the strictly French clubs only. In any one which has members of other nationalities—especially with Americans predominating, or seeming to, American customs obtain. In French clubs a visitor can not go to the club unless he is with a member, but there are no restrictions on the number of times he may be taken by the same member or another one.	49

UNBREAKABLE RULES Failure to pay one’s debts, or behavior unbefitting a gentleman, is cause for expulsion from every club; which is looked upon in much the same light as expulsion from the Army. In certain cases expulsion for debt may seem unfair, since one may find himself in unexpectedly straitened circumstances, and the greatest fault or crime could not be more severely dealt with than being expelled from his club; but “club honor”—except under very temporary and mitigating conditions—takes no account of any reason for being “unable” to meet his obligations. He must—or he is not considered honorable.	50
If a man can not afford to belong to a club he must resign while he is still “in good standing.” If later on he is able to rejoin, his name is put at the head of the waiting list, and if he was considered a desirable member, he is re-elected at the next meeting of the governors. But a man who has been expelled (unless he can show cause why his expulsion was unjust and be re-instated) can never again belong to that, or be elected to any other, club. Post, Emily. Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home. New York: Funk & Wagnalls, 1922. Bartleby.com

Etiquette: The Fundamentals of Good Behavior

2011-02-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

Chapter XXIX.
The Fundamentals of Good Behavior

FAR more important than any mere dictum of etiquette is the fundamental code of honor, without strict observance of which no man, no matter how “polished,” can be considered a gentleman. The honor of a gentleman demands the inviolability of his word, and the incorruptibility of his principles; he is the descendant of the knight, the crusader; he is the defender of the defenseless, and the champion of justice—or he is not a gentleman.	1

DECENCIES OF BEHAVIOR A gentleman does not, and a man who aspires to be one must not, ever borrow money from a woman, nor should he, except in unexpected circumstances, borrow money from a man. Money borrowed without security is a debt of honor which must be paid without fail and promptly as possible. The debts incurred by a deceased parent, brother, sister, or grown child, are assumed by honorable men and women, as debts of honor.	2
A gentleman never takes advantage of a woman in a business dealing, nor of the poor or the helpless.	3
One who is not well off does not “sponge,” but pays his own way to the utmost of his ability.	4
One who is rich does not make a display of his money or his possessions. Only a vulgarian talks ceaselessly about how much this or that cost him.	5
A very well-bred man intensely dislikes the mention of money, and never speaks of it (out of business hours) if he can avoid it.	6
A gentleman never discusses his family affairs either in public or with acquaintances, nor does he speak more than casually about his wife. A man is a cad who tells anyone, no matter who, what his wife told him in confidence, or describes what she looks like in her bedroom. To impart details of her beauty is scarcely better than to publish her blemishes; to do either is unspeakable.	7
Nor does a gentleman ever criticise the behavior of a wife whose conduct is scandalous. What he says to her in the privacy of their own apartments is no one’s affair but his own, but he must never treat her with disrespect before their children, or a servant, or any one.	8
A man of honor never seeks publicly to divorce his wife, no matter what he believes her conduct to have been; but for the protection of his own name, and that of the children, he allows her to get her freedom on other than criminal grounds. No matter who he may be, whether rich or poor, in high life or low, the man who publicly besmirches his wife’s name, besmirches still more his own, and proves that he is not, was not, and never will be, a gentleman.	9
No gentleman goes to a lady’s house if he is affected by alcohol. A gentleman seeing a young man who is not entirely himself in the presence of ladies, quietly induces the youth to depart. An older man addicted to the use of too much alcohol, need not be discussed, since he ceases to be asked to the houses of ladies.	10
A gentleman does not lose control of his temper. In fact, in his own self-control under difficult or dangerous circumstances, lies his chief ascendancy over others who impulsively betray every emotion which animates them. Exhibitions of anger, fear, hatred, embarrassment, ardor or hilarity, are all bad form in public. And bad form is merely an action which “jars” the sensibilities of others. A gentleman does not show a letter written by a lady, unless perhaps to a very intimate friend if the letter is entirely impersonal and written by some one who is equally the friend of the one to whom it is shown. But the occasions when the letter of a woman may be shown properly by a man are so few that it is safest to make it a rule never to mention a woman’s letter.	11
A gentleman does not bow to a lady from a club window; nor according to good form should ladies ever be discussed in a man’s club!	12
A man whose social position is self-made is apt to be detected by his continual cataloguing of prominent names. Mr. Parvenu invariably interlards his conversation with, “When I was dining at the Bobo Gildings’“; or even “at Lucy Gilding’s,” and quite often accentuates, in his ignorance, those of rather second-rate, though conspicuous position. “I was spending last week-end with the Richan Vulgars,” or “My great friends, the Gotta Crusts.” When a so-called gentleman insists on imparting information, interesting only to the Social Register, shun him!	13
The born gentleman avoids the mention of names exactly as he avoids the mention of what things cost; both are an abomination to his soul.	14
A gentleman’s manners are an integral part of him and are the same whether in his dressing-room or in a ballroom, whether in talking to Mrs. Worldly or to the laundress bringing in his clothes. He whose manners are only put on in company is a veneered gentleman, not a real one.	15
A man of breeding does not slap strangers on the back nor so much as lay his finger-tips on a lady. Nor does he punctuate his conversation by pushing or nudging or patting people, nor take his conversation out of the drawing-room! Notwithstanding the advertisements in the most dignified magazines, a discussion of underwear and toilet articles and their merit or their use, is unpleasant in polite conversation.	16
All thoroughbred people are considerate of the feelings of others no matter what the station of the others may be. Thackeray’s climber who “licks the boots of those above him and kicks the faces of those below him on the social ladder,” is a very good illustration of what a gentleman is not.	17
A gentleman never takes advantage of another’s helplessness or ignorance, and assumes that no gentleman will take advantage of him.	18

SIMPLICITY AND UNCONSCIOUSNESS OF SELF These words have been literally sprinkled through the pages of this book, yet it is doubtful if they convey a clear idea of the attributes meant.	19
Unconsciousness of self is not so much unselfishness as it is the mental ability to extinguish all thought of one’s self—exactly as one turns out the light.	20
Simplicity is like it, in that it also has a quality of self-effacement, but it really means a love of the essential and of directness. Simple people put no trimmings on their phrases, nor on their manners; but remember, simplicity is not crudeness nor anything like it. On the contrary, simplicity of speech and manners means language in its purest, most limpid form, and manners of such perfection that they do not suggest “manner” at all.	21

THE INSTINCTS OF A LADY The instincts of a lady are much the same as those of a gentleman. She is equally punctilious about her debts, equally averse to pressing her advantage; especially if her adversary is helpless or poor.	22
As an unhappy wife, her dignity demands that she never show her disapproval of her husband, no matter how publicly he slights or outrages her. If she has been so unfortunate as to have married a man not a gentleman, to draw attention to his behavior would put herself on his level. If it comes actually to the point where she divorces him, she discusses her situation, naturally, with her parents or her brother or whoever are her nearest and wisest relatives, but she shuns publicity and avoids discussing her affairs with any one outside of her immediate family. One can not too strongly censure the unspeakable vulgarity of the woman so unfortunate as to be obliged to go through divorce proceedings, who confides the private details of her life to reporters.	23

THE HALL-MARK OF THE CLIMBER Nothing so blatantly proclaims a woman climber as the repetition of prominent names, the owners of which she must have struggled to know. Otherwise, why so eagerly boast of the achievement? Nobody cares whom she knows—nobody that is, but a climber like herself. To those who were born and who live, no matter how quietly, in the security of a perfectly good ledge above and away from the social ladder’s rungs, the evidence of one frantically climbing and trying to vaunt her exalted position is merely ludicrous.	24
All thoroughbred women, and men, are considerate of others less fortunately placed, especially of those in their employ. One of the tests by which to distinguish between the woman of breeding and the woman merely of wealth, is to notice the way she speaks to dependents. Queen Victoria’s duchesses, those great ladies of grand manner, were the very ones who, on entering the house of a close friend, said “How do you do, Hawkins?” to a butler; and to a sister duchess’s maid, “Good morning, Jenkins.” A Maryland lady, still living on the estate granted to her family three generations before the Revolution, is quite as polite to her friends’ servants as to her friends themselves. When you see a woman in silks and sables and diamonds speak to a little errand girl or a footman or a scullery maid as though they were the dirt under her feet, you may be sure of one thing; she hasn’t come a very long way from the ground herself. Post, Emily. Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home. New York: Funk & Wagnalls, 1922. Bartleby.com

Etiquette: Longer Letters

2011-02-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

Chapter XXVIII.
Longer Letters

THE ART of general letter-writing in the present day is shrinking until the letter threatens to become a telegram, a telephone message, a post-card. Since the events of the day are transmitted in newspapers with far greater accuracy, detail, and dispatch than they could be by the single effort of even Voltaire himself, the circulation of general news, which formed the chief reason for letters of the stage-coach and sailing-vessel days, has no part in the correspondence of to-day.	1
Taking the contents of an average mail bag as sorted in a United States post-office, about fifty per cent. is probably advertisement or appeal, forty per cent. business, and scarcely ten per cent. personal letters and invitations. Of course, love letters are probably as numerous as need be, though the long distance telephone must have lowered the average of these, too. Young girls write to each other, no doubt, much as they did in olden times, and letters between young girls and young men flourish to-day like unpulled weeds in a garden where weeds were formerly never allowed to grow.	2
It is the letter from the friend in this city to the friend in that, or from the traveling relative to the relative at home, that is gradually dwindling. As for the letter which younger relatives dutifully used to write—it has gone already with old-fashioned grace of speech and deportment.	3
Still, people do write letters in this day and there are some who possess the divinely flexible gift for a fresh turn of phrase, for delightful keenness of observation. It may be, too, that in other days the average writing was no better than the average of to-day. It is naturally the letters of those who had unusual gifts which have been preserved all these years, for the failures of a generation are made to die with it, and only its successes survive.	4
The difference though, between letter-writers of the past and of the present, is that in other days they all tried to write, and to express themselves the very best they knew how—to-day people don’t care a bit whether they write well or ill. Mental effort is one thing that the younger generation of the “smart world” seems to consider it unreasonable to ask—and just as it is the fashion to let their spines droop until they suggest nothing so much as Tenniel’s drawing in Alice in Wonderland of the caterpillar sitting on the toad-stool—so do they let their mental faculties relax, slump and atrophy.	5
To such as these, to whom effort is an insurmountable task, it might be just as well to say frankly: If you have a mind that is entirely bromidic, if you are lacking in humor, all power of observation, and facility for expression, you had best join the ever-growing class of people who frankly confess, “I can’t write letters to save my life!” and confine your literary efforts to picture post-cards with the engaging captions “X is my room,” or “Beautiful weather, wish you were here.”	6
It is not at all certain that your friends and family would not rather have frequent post-cards than occasional letters all too obviously displaying the meagerness of their messages in halting orthography.	7

BEGINNING A LETTER For most people the difficulty in letter-writing is in the beginning and the close. Once they are started, the middle goes smoothly enough, until they face the difficulty of the end. The direction of the Professor of English to “Begin at the beginning of what you have to say, and go on until you have finished, and then stop,” is very like a celebrated artist’s direction for painting: “You simply take a little of the right color paint and put it on the right spot.”	8

HOW NOT TO BEGIN Even one who “loves the very sight of your handwriting,” could not possibly find any pleasure in a letter beginning: “I have been meaning to write you for a long time but haven’t had a minute to spare.”	9
Or: “I suppose you have been thinking me very neglectful, but you know how I hate to write letters.”	10
Or: “I know I ought to have answered your letter sooner, but I haven’t had a thing to write about.”	11
The above sentences are written time and again by persons who are utterly unconscious that they are not expressing a friendly or loving thought. If one of your friends were to walk into the room, and you were to receive him stretched out and yawning in an easy chair, no one would have to point out the rudeness of such behavior; yet countless kindly intentioned people begin their letters mentally reclining and yawning in just such a way.	12

HOW TO BEGIN A LETTER Suppose you merely change the wording of the above sentences, so that instead of slamming the door in your friend’s face, you hold it open: “Do you think I have forgotten you entirely? You don’t know, dear Mary, how many letters I have written you in thought.”	13
Or: “Time and time again I have wanted to write you but each moment that I saved for myself was always interrupted by—something.”	14
One of the frequent difficulties in beginning a letter is that your answer is so long delayed that you begin with an apology, which is always a lame duck. But these examples indicate a way in which even an opening apology may be attractive rather than repellent. If you are going to take the trouble to write a letter, you are doing it because you have at least remembered some one with friendly regard, or you would not be writing at all. You certainly would like to convey the impression that you want to be with your friend in thought for a little while at least—not that she through some malignant force is holding you to a grindstone and forcing you to the task of making hateful schoolroom pot-hooks for her selfish gain.	15
A perfect letter has always the effect of being a light dipping off of the top of a spring. A poor letter suggests digging into the dried ink at the bottom of an ink-well.	16
It is easy to begin a letter if it is in answer to one that has just been received. The news contained in it is fresh and the impulse to reply needs no prodding.	17
Nothing can be simpler than to say: “We were all overjoyed to hear from you this morning,” or, “Your letter was the most welcome thing the postman has brought for ages,” or, “It was more than good to have news of you this morning,” or, “Your letter from Capri brought all the allure of Italy back to me,” or, “You can’t imagine, dear Mary, how glad I was to see an envelope with your writing this morning.” And then you take up the various subjects in Mary’s letter, which should certainly launch you without difficulty upon topics of your own.	18

ENDING A LETTER Just as the beginning of a letter should give the reader an impression of greeting, so should the end express friendly or affectionate leave-taking. Nothing can be worse than to seem to scratch helplessly around in the air for an idea that will effect your escape.	19
“Well, I guess I must stop now,” “Well, I must close,” or, “You are probably bored with this long epistle, so I had better close.”	20
All of these are as bad as they can be, and suggest the untutored man who stands first on one foot and then on the other, running his finger around the brim of his hat, or the country girl twisting the corner of her apron.	21

HOW TO END A LETTER An intimate letter has no end at all. When you leave the house of a member of your family, you don’t have to think up an especial sentence in order to say good-by. Leave-taking in a letter is the same: “Good-by, dearest, for to-day Devotedly, Kate.”	22
Or: “Best love to you all, Martin.”	23
Or: “Will write again in a day or two. Lovingly, Mary.”	24
Or: “Luncheon was announced half a page ago! So good-by, dear Mary, for to-day.”	25
The close of a less intimate letter, like taking leave of a visitor in your drawing-room, is necessarily more ceremonious. And the “ceremonious close” presents to most people the greatest difficulty in letter-writing.	26
It is really quite simple, if you realize that the aim of the closing paragraph is merely to bring in a personal hyphen between the person writing and the person written to.	27
“The mountains were beautiful at sunset.” It is a bad closing sentence because “the mountains” have nothing personal to either of you. But if you can add “—they reminded me of the time we were in Colorado together,” or “—how different from our wide prairies at home,” you have crossed a bridge, as it were.	28
Or: “We have had a wonderful trip, but I do miss you all at home, and long to hear from you soon again.”	29
Or (from one at home): “Your closed house makes me very lonely to pass. I do hope you are coming back soon.”	30
Sometimes an ending falls naturally into a sentence that ends with your signature. “If I could look up now and see you coming into the room, there would be no happier woman in the whole State than Your devoted mother.”	31

LETTERS NO ONE CARES TO READ LETTERS OF CALAMITY First and foremost in the category of letters that no one can possibly receive with pleasure might be put the “letter of calamity,” the letter of gloomy apprehension, the letter filled with petty annoyances. Less disturbing to receive but far from enjoyable are such letters as “the blank,” the “meandering,” the “letter of the capital I,” the “plaintive,” the “apologetic.” There is scarcely any one who has not one or more relatives or friends whose letters belong in one of these classes.	32
Even in so personal a matter as the letter to an absent member of one’s immediate family, it should be borne in mind, not to write needlessly of misfortune or unhappiness. To hear from those we love how ill or unhappy they are, is to have our distress intensified in direct proportion to the number of miles by which we are separated from them. This last example, however, has nothing in common with the choosing of calamity and gloom as a subject of welcome tidings in ordinary correspondence.	33
The chronic calamity writers seem to wait until the skies are darkest, and then, rushing to their desk, luxuriate in pouring all their troubles and fears of troubles out on paper to their friends.	34

LETTERS OF GLOOMY APPREHENSION “My little Betty [“My little” adds to the pathos much more than saying merely “Betty”] has been feeling miserable for several days. I am worried to death about her, as there are so many sudden cases of typhoid and appendicitis. The doctor says the symptoms are not at all alarming as yet, but doctors see so much of illness and death, they don’t seem to appreciate what anxiety means to a mother,” etc.	35
Another writes: “The times seem to be getting worse and worse. I always said we would have to go through a long night before any chance of daylight. You can mark my words, the night of bad times isn’t much more than begun.”	36
Or, “I have scarcely slept for nights, worrying about whether Junior has passed his examinations or not.”	37

LETTERS OF PETTY MISFORTUNES Other perfectly well-meaning friends fancy they are giving pleasure when they write such “news” as: “My cook has been sick for the past ten days,” and follow this with a page or two descriptive of her ailments; or, “I have a slight cough. I think I must have caught it yesterday when I went out in the rain without rubbers”; or, “The children have not been doing as well in their lessons this week as last. Johnny’s arithmetic marks were dreadful and Katie got an E in spelling and an F in geography.” Her husband and her mother would be interested in the children’s weekly reports, and her own slight cough, but no one else. How could they be?	38
If the writers of all such letters would merely read over what they have written, and ask themselves if they could find pleasure in receiving messages of like manner and matter, perhaps they might begin to do a little thinking, and break the habit of cataleptic unthinkingness that seemingly descends upon them as soon as they are seated at their desk.	39

THE BLANK The writer of the “blank” letter begins fluently with the date and “Dear Mary,” and then sits and chews his penholder or makes little dots and squares and circles on the blotter—utterly unable to attack the cold, forbidding blankness of that first page. Mentally, he seems to say: “Well, here I am—and now what?” He has not an idea! He can never find anything of sufficient importance to write about. A murder next door, a house burned to the ground, a burglary or an elopement could alone furnish material; and that, too, would be finished off in a brief sentence stating the bare fact.	40
A person whose life is a revolving wheel of routine may have really very little to say, but a letter does not have to be long to be welcome—it can be very good indeed if it has a message that seems to have been spoken. Dear Lucy: “Life here is as dull as ever—duller if anything. Just the same old things done in the same old way—not even a fire engine out or a new face in town, but this is to show you that I am thinking of you and longing to hear from you.”	41
Or: “I wish something really exciting would happen so that I might have something with a little thrill in it to write you, but everything goes on and on—if there were any check in its sameness, I think we’d all land in a heap against the edge of the town.”	42

THE MEANDERING LETTER As its name implies, the meandering letter is one which dawdles through disconnected subjects, like a trolley car gone down grade off the track, through fences and fields and flower-beds indiscriminately. “Mrs. Blake’s cow died last week, the Governor and his wife were on the Reception Committee; Mary Selfridge went to stay with her aunt in Riverview; I think the new shade called Harding blue is perfectly hideous.”	43
Another that is almost akin to it, runs glibly on, page after page of meaningless repetition and detail. “I thought at first that I would get a gray dress—I think gray is such a pretty color, and I have had so many blue dresses. I can’t decide this time whether to get blue or gray. Sometimes I think gray is more becoming to me than blue. I think gray looks well on fair-haired people—I don’t know whether you would call my hair fair or not? I am certainly not dark, and yet fair hair suggests a sort of straw color. Maybe I might be called medium fair. Do you think I am light enough to wear gray? Maybe blue would be more serviceable. Gray certainly looks pretty in the spring, it is so clean and fresh looking. There is a lovely French model at Benson’s in gray, but I can have it copied for less in blue. Maybe it won’t be as pretty though as the gray,” etc., etc. By the above method of cud-chewing, any subject, clothes, painting the house, children’s school, planting a garden, or even the weather, need be limited only by the supply of paper and ink.	44

THE LETTER OF THE “CAPITAL I” The letter of the “capital I” is a pompous effusion which strives through pretentiousness to impress its reader with its writer’s wealth, position, ability, or whatever possession or attribute is thought to be rated most highly. None but unfortunate dependents or the cringing in spirit would subject themselves to a second letter of this kind by answering the first. The letter which hints at hoped-for benefits is no worse!	45

THE LETTER OF CHRONIC APOLOGY The letter written by a person with an apologetic habit of mind, is different totally from the sometimes necessary letter of genuine apology. The former is as senseless as it is irritating: “It was so good of you to come to my horrid little shanty. [The house and the food she served were both probably better than that of the person she is writing to.] I know you had nothing fit to eat, and I know that everything was just all wrong! Of course, everything is always so beautifully done at everything you give, I wonder I have the courage to ask you to dine with me.”	46

THE DANGEROUS LETTER A pitfall that those of sharp wit have to guard against is the thoughtless tendency toward writing ill-natured things. Ridicule is a much more amusing medium for the display of a subject than praise, which is always rather bromidic. The amusing person catches foibles and exploits them, and it is easy to forget that wit flashes all too irresistibly at the expense of other people’s feelings, and the brilliant tongue is all too often sharpened to rapier point. Admiration for the quickness of a spoken quip, somewhat mitigates its cruelty. The exuberance of the retailer of verbal gossip eliminates the implication of scandal, but both quip and gossip become deadly poison when transferred permanently to paper.	47

PERMANENCE OF WRITTEN EMOTION For all emotions written words are a bad medium. The light jesting tone that saves a quip from offense can not be expressed; and remarks that if spoken would amuse, can but pique and even insult their subject. Without the interpretation of the voice, gaiety becomes levity, raillery becomes accusation. Moreover, words of a passing moment are made to stand forever.	48
Anger in a letter carries with it the effect of solidified fury; the words spoken in reproof melt with the breath of the speaker once the cause is forgiven. The written words on the page fix them for eternity.	49
Love in a letter endures likewise forever.	50
Admonitions from parents to their children may very properly be put on paper—they are meant to endure, and be remembered, but momentary annoyance should never be more than briefly expressed. There is no better way of insuring his letters against being read than for a parent to get into the habit of writing irritable or fault-finding letters to his children.	51

THE LETTERS OF TWO WIVES Do you ever see a man look through a stack of mail, and notice that suddenly his face lights up as he seizes a letter “from home”? He tears it open eagerly, his mouth up-curving at the corners, as he lingers over every word. You know, without being told, that the wife he had to leave behind puts all the best she can devise and save for him into his life as well as on paper!	52
Do you ever see a man go through his mail and see him suddenly droop—as though a fog had fallen upon his spirits? Do you see him reluctantly pick out a letter, start to open it, hesitate and then push it aside? His expression says plainly: “I can’t face that just now.” Then by and by, when his lips have been set in a hard line, he will doggedly open his letter to “see what the trouble is now.”	53
If for once there is no trouble, he sighs with relief, relaxes, and starts the next thing he has to do.	54
Usually, though, he frowns, looks worried, annoyed, harassed, and you know that every small unpleasantness is punctiliously served to him by one who promised to love and to cherish and who probably thinks she does!	55

THE LETTER EVERYONE LOVES TO RECEIVE The letter we all love to receive is one that carries so much of the writer’s personality that she seems to be sitting beside us, looking at us directly and talking just as she really would, could she have come on a magic carpet, instead of sending her proxy in ink-made characters on mere paper.	56
Let us suppose we have received one of those perfect letters from Mary, one of those letters that seem almost to have written themselves, so easily do the words flow, so bubbling and effortless is their spontaneity. There is a great deal in the letter about Mary, not only about what she has been doing, but what she has been thinking, or perhaps, feeling. And there is a lot about us in the letter—nice things, that make us feel rather pleased about something that we have done, or are likely to do, or that some one has said about us. We know that all things of concern to us are of equal concern to Mary, and though there will be nothing of it in actual words, we are made to feel that we are just as secure in our corner of Mary’s heart as ever we were. And we finish the letter with a very vivid remembrance of Mary’s sympathy, and a sense of loss in her absence, and a longing for the time when Mary herself may again be sitting on the sofa beside us and telling us all the details her letter can not but leave out.	57

THE LETTER NO WOMAN SHOULD EVER WRITE The mails carry letters every day that are so many packages of TNT should their contents be exploded by falling into wrong hands. Letters that should never have been written are put in evidence in court rooms every day. Many can not, under any circumstances, be excused; but often silly girls and foolish women write things that sound quite different from what they innocently, but stupidly, intended.	58
Few persons, except professional writers, have the least idea of the value of words and the effect that they produce, and the thoughtless letters of emotional women and underbred men add sensation to news items in the press almost daily.	59
Of course the best advice to a young girl who is impelled to write letters to men, can be put in one word, don’t!	60
However, if you are a young girl or woman, and are determined to write letters to an especial—or any other—man, no matter how innocent your intention may be, there are some things you must remember—remember so intensely that no situation in life, no circumstances, no temptation, can ever make you forget. They are a few set rules, not of etiquette, but of the laws of self-respect:	61
Never send a letter without reading it over and making sure that you have said nothing that can possibly “sound different” from what you intend to say.	62
Never so long as you live, write a letter to a man—no matter who he is—that you would be ashamed to see in a newspaper above your signature.	63
Remember that every word of writing is immutable evidence for or against you, and words which are thoughtlessly put on paper may exist a hundred years hence.	64
Never write anything that can be construed as sentimental.	65
Never take a man to task about anything; never ask for explanations; to do so implies too great an intimacy.	66
Never put a single clinging tentacle into writing. Say nothing ever, that can be construed as demanding, asking, or even being eager for, his attentions!	67
Always keep in mind and never for one instant forget that a third person, and that the very one you would most object to, may find and read the letter.	68
One word more: It is not alone “bad form” but laying yourself open to every sort of embarrassment and danger, to “correspond with” a man you slightly know.	69

PROPER LETTERS OF LOVE OR AFFECTION If you are engaged, of course you should write love letters—the most beautiful that you can—but don’t write baby-talk and other sillinesses that would make you feel idiotic if the letter were to fall into strange hands.	70
On the other hand, few can find objection to the natural, friendly and even affectionate letter from a young girl to a young man she has been “brought up” with. It is such a letter as she would write to her brother. There is no hint of coquetry or self-consciousness, no word from first to last that might not be shouted aloud before her whole family. Her letter may begin “Dear——” or even “Dearest Jack.” Then follows all the “home news” she can think of that might possibly interest him; about the Simpsons’ dance, Tom and Pauline’s engagement, how many trout Bill Henderson got at Duck Brook, how furious Mrs. Davis was because some distinguished visitor accepted Mrs. Brown’s dinner instead of hers, how the new people who have moved onto the Rush farm don’t know the first thing about farming, and so on.	71
Perhaps there will be one “personal” line such as “we all missed you at the picnic on Wednesday—Ollie made the flap-jacks and they were too awful! Every one groaned: ‘If Jack were only here!’“ Or, “we all hope you are coming back in time for the Towns’ dance. Kate has at last inveigled her mother into letting her have an all-black dress which we rather suspect was bought with the especial purpose of impressing you with her advanced age and dignity! Mother came in just as I wrote this and says to tell you she has a new recipe for chocolate cake that is even better than her old one, and that you had better have a piece added to your belt before you come home. Carrie will write you very soon, she says, and we all send love. “Affectionately, “Ruth.”	72

THE LETTER NO GENTLEMAN WRITES One of the fundamental rules for the behavior of any man who has the faintest pretension to being a gentleman, is that never by word or gesture must he compromise a woman; he never, therefore, writes a letter that can be construed, even by a lawyer, as damaging to any woman’s good name.	73
His letters to an unmarried woman may express all the ardor and devotion that he cares to subscribe to, but there must be no hint of his having received especial favors from her.	74

DON’TS FOR CORRESPONDENCE Never typewrite an invitation, acceptance, or regret.	75
Never typewrite a social note.	76
Be chary of underscorings and postcripts.	77
Do not write across a page already written on.	78
Do not use unmatched paper and envelopes.	79
Do not write in pencil—except a note to one of your family written on a train or where ink is unprocurable, or unless you are flat on your back because of illness.	80
Never send a letter with a blot on it.	81
Never sprinkle French, Italian, or any other foreign words through a letter written in English. You do not give an impression of cultivation, but of ignorance of your own language. Use a foreign word if it has no English equivalent, not otherwise unless it has become Anglicized. If hesitating between two words, always select the one of Saxon origin rather than Latin. For the best selection of words to use, study the King James version of the Bible. Post, Emily. Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home. New York: Funk & Wagnalls, 1922. Bartleby.com

Etiquette: Notes and Shorter Letters

2011-02-16T06:00:00.000-08:00

Chapter XXVII.
Notes and Shorter Letters

IN writing notes or letters, as in all other forms of social observance, the highest achievement is in giving the appearance of simplicity, naturalness and force.

Those who use long periods of flowered prolixity and pretentious phrases—who write in complicated form with meaningless flourishes, do not make an impression of elegance and erudition upon their readers, but flaunt instead unmistakable evidence of vainglory and ignorance.

The letter you write, whether you realize it or not, is always a mirror which reflects your appearance, taste and character. A “sloppy” letter with the writing all pouring into one corner of the page, badly worded, badly spelled, and with unmatched paper and envelope—even possibly a blot—proclaims the sort of person who would have unkempt hair, unclean linen and broken shoe laces; just as a neat, precise, evenly written note portrays a person of like characteristics. Therefore, while it can not be said with literal accuracy that one may read the future of a person by study of his handwriting, it is true that if a young man wishes to choose a wife in whose daily life he is sure always to find the unfinished task, the untidy mind and the syncopated housekeeping, he may do it quite simply by selecting her from her letters.

HOW TO IMPROVE A LETTER’S APPEARANCE

Some people are fortunate in being able easily to make graceful letters, to space their words evenly, and to put them on a page so that the picture is pleasing; others are discouraged at the outset because their fingers are clumsy, and their efforts crude; but no matter how badly formed each individual letter may be, if the writing is consistent throughout, the page as a whole looks fairly well.

You can make yourself write neatly and legibly. You can (with the help of a dictionary if necessary) spell correctly; you can be sure that you understand the meaning of every word you use. If it is hard for you to write in a straight line, use the lined guide that comes with nearly all stationery; if impossible to keep an even margin, draw a perpendicular line at the left of the guide so that you can start each new line of writing on it. You can also make a guide to slip under the envelope. Far better to use a guide than to send envelopes and pages of writing that slide up hill and down, in uncontrolled disorder.

CHOICE OF WRITING PAPER

Suitability should be considered in choosing note paper, as well as in choosing a piece of furniture for a house. For a handwriting which is habitually large, a larger sized paper should be chosen than for writing which is small. The shape of paper should also depend somewhat upon the spacing of the lines which is typical of the writer, and whether a wide or narrow margin is used. Low, spread-out writing looks better on a square sheet of paper; tall, pointed writing looks better on paper that is high and narrow. Selection of paper whether rough or smooth is entirely a matter of personal choice—so that the quality be good, and the shape and color conservative.

Paper should never be ruled, or highly scented, or odd in shape, or have elaborate or striking ornamentation. Some people use smaller paper for notes, or correspondence cards, cut to the size of the envelopes. Others use the same size for all correspondence and leave a wider margin in writing notes.

The flap of the envelope should be plain and the point not unduly long. If the flap is square instead of being pointed, it may be allowed greater length without being eccentric. Colored linings to envelopes are at present in fashion. Thin white paper, with monogram or address stamped in gray to match gray tissue lining of the envelope is for instance, in very best taste. Young girls may be allowed quite gay envelope linings, but the device on the paper must be minute, in proportion to the gaiety of the color.

Writing paper for a man should always be strictly conservative. Plain white or gray or granite paper, large in size and stamped in the simplest manner. The size should be 5 3/4 x 7 1/2 or 6 x 8 or 5 1/8 x 8 1/8 or thereabouts.

A paper suitable for the use of all the members of a family has the address stamped in black or dark color, in plain letters at the top of the first page. More often than not the telephone number is put in very small letters under that of the address, a great convenience in the present day of telephoning. For example:

DEVICES FOR STAMPING

As there is no such thing as heraldry in America, the use of a coat of arms is as much a foreign custom as the speaking of a foreign tongue; but in certain communities where old families have used their crests continuously since the days when they brought their device—and their right to it—from Europe, the use of it is suitable and proper. The sight of this or that crest on a carriage or automobile in New York or Boston announces to all those who have lived their lives in either city that the vehicle belongs to a member of this or that family. But for some one without an inherited right to select a lion rampant or a stag couchant because he thinks it looks stylish, is as though, for the same reason, he changed his name from Muggins to Marmaduke, and quite properly subjects him to ridicule. (Strictly speaking, a woman has the right to use a “lozenge” only; since in heraldic days women did not bear arms, but no one in this country follows heraldic rule to this extent.)

THE PERSONAL DEVICE

It is occasionally the fancy of artists or young girls to adopt some especial symbol associated with themselves. The “butterfly” of Whistler for instance is as well-known as his name. A painter of marines has the small outline of a ship stamped on his writing paper, and a New York architect the capital of an Ionic column. A generation ago young women used to fancy such an intriguing symbol as a mask, a sphinx, a question mark, or their own names, if their names were such as could be pictured. There can be no objection to one’s appropriation of such an emblem if one fancies it. But Lilly, Belle, Dolly and Kitten are Lillian, Isabel, Dorothy and Katherine in these days, and appropriate hall-marks are not easily found.

COUNTRY HOUSE STATIONERY: FOR A BIG HOUSE

In selecting paper for a country house we go back to the subject of suitability. A big house in important grounds should have very plain, very dignified letter paper. It may be white or tinted blue or gray. The name of the place should be engraved, in the center usually, at the top of the first page. It may be placed left, or right, as preferred. Slanting across the upper corners or in a list at the upper left side, may be put as many addresses as necessary. Many persons use a whole row of small devices in outline, the engine of a train and beside it Ardmoor, meaning that Ardmoor is the railroad station. A telegraph pole, an envelope, a telephone instrument—and beside each an address. These devices are suitable for all places, whether they are great or tiny, that have different addresses for railroad, post-office, telephone [or] telegraph.

For the Little House

On the other hand, farmhouses and little places in the country may have very bright-colored stamping, as well as gay-lined envelopes. Places with easily illustrated names quite often have them pictured; the “Bird-cage,” for instance, may have a bright blue paper with a bird-cage in supposed red lacquer; the “Bandbox,” a fantastically decorated milliner’s box on oyster gray paper, the envelope lining of black and gray pin stripes, and the “Doll’s House” might use the outline of a doll’s house in grass green on green-bordered white paper, and white envelopes lined with grass green. Each of these devices must be as small as the outline of a cherry pit and the paper of the smallest size that comes. (Envelopes 3 1/2 x 5 inches or paper 4 x 6 and envelopes the same size to hold paper without folding.)

It is foolish perhaps to give the description of such papers, for their fashion is but of the moment. A jeweler from Paris has been responsible for their present vogue in New York, and his clientèle is only among the young and smart. Older and more conservative women (and, of course, all men) keep to the plain fashion of yesterday, which will just as surely be the fashion of to-morrow.

MOURNING PAPER

Persons who are in mourning use black-edged visiting cards, letter paper and envelopes. The depth of black corresponds with the depth of mourning and the closeness of relation to the one who has gone, the width decreasing as one’s mourning lightens. The width of black to use is a matter of personal taste and feeling. A very heavy border (from 3/8 to 7/16 of an inch) announces the deepest retirement.

DATING A LETTER

Usually the date is put at the upper right hand of the first page of a letter, or at the end, and to the left of the signature, of a note. It is far less confusing for one’s correspondent to read January 9, 1920, than 1-9-20. Theoretically, one should write out the date in full: the ninth of January, Nineteen hundred and twenty-one. That, however, is the height of pedantry, and an unswallowable mouthful at the top of any page not a document.

At the end of a note “Thursday” is sufficient unless the note is an invitation for more than a week ahead, in which case write as in a letter, “January 9” or “the ninth of January.” The year is not necessary since it can hardly be supposed to take a year for a letter’s transportation.

SEQUENCE OF PAGES

If a note is longer than one page, the third page is usually next, as this leaves the fourth blank and prevents the writing from showing through the envelope. With heavy or tissue-lined envelopes, the fourth is used as often as the third. In letters one may write first, second, third, fourth, in regular order; or first and fourth, then, opening the sheet and turning it sideways, write across the two inside pages as one. Many prefer to write on first, third, then sideways across second and fourth. In certain cities—Boston, for instance—the last word on a page is repeated at the top of the next. It is undoubtedly a good idea, but makes a stuttering impression upon one not accustomed to it.

FOLDING A NOTE

As to whether a letter is folded in such a way that the recipient shall read the contents without having to turn the paper, is giving too much importance to nothing. It is sufficient if the paper is folded neatly, once, of course, for the envelope that is half the length of the paper, and twice for the envelope that is a third.

SEALING WAX

If you use sealing wax, let us hope you are an adept at making an even and smoothly finished seal. Choose a plain-colored wax rather than one speckled with metal. With the sort of paper described for country houses, or for young people, or those living in studios or bungalows, gay sealing wax may be quite alluring, especially if it can be persuaded to pour smoothly like liquid, and not to look like a streaked and broken off slice of dough. In days when envelopes were unknown, all letters had to be sealed, hence when envelopes were made, the idea obtained that it was improper to use both gum-arabic and wax. Strictly speaking this may be true, but since all envelopes have mucilage, it would be unreasonable to demand that those who like to use sealing wax have their envelopes made to order.

FORM OF ADDRESS

The most formal beginning of a social letter is “My dear Mrs. Smith.” (The fact that in England “Dear Mrs. Smith” is more formal does not greatly concern us in America.) “Dear Mrs. Smith,” “Dear Sarah,” “Dear Sally,” “Sally dear,” “Dearest Sally,” “Darling Sally,” are increasingly intimate.

  Business letters begin:
Smith, Johnson & Co.,
    20 Broadway,
        New York.
Dear Sirs:

  Or if more personal:
John Smith & Co.,
    20 Broadway,
        New York.
My Dear Mr. Smith:

THE COMPLIMENTARY CLOSE

The close of a business letter should be “Yours truly,” or “Yours very truly.” “Respectfully” is used only by a tradesman to a customer, an employee to an employer, or by an inferior, never by a person of equal position. No lady should ever sign a letter “respectfully,” not even were she writing to a queen. If an American lady should have occasion to write to a queen, she should conclude her letter “I have the honor to remain, Madam, your most obedient.” (For address and close of letters to persons of title, see table at the end of this chapter.)

CLOSE OF PERSONAL NOTES AND LETTERS

It is too bad that the English language does not permit the charming and graceful closing of all letters in the French manner, those little flowers of compliment that leave such a pleasant fragrance after reading. But ever since the Eighteenth Century the English-speaking have been busy pruning away all ornament of expression; even the last remaining graces, “kindest regards,” “with kindest remembrances,” are fast disappearing, leaving us nothing but an abrupt “Yours truly,” or “Sincerely yours.”

Closing a Formal Note

The best ending to a formal social note is, “Sincerely,” “Sincerely yours,” “Very sincerely,” “Very sincerely yours,” “Yours always sincerely,” or “Always sincerely yours.”

  “I remain, dear madam,” is no longer in use, but “Believe me” is still correct when formality is to be expressed in the close of a note.
  Believe me
        Very sincerely yours,
or
  Believe me, my dear Mrs. Worldly,
        Most sincerely yours,

This last is an English form, but it is used by quite a number of Americans—particularly those who have been much abroad.

Appropriate for a Man

“Faithfully” or “Faithfully yours” is a very good signature for a man in writing to a woman, or in any uncommercial correspondence, such as a letter to the President of the United States, a member of the Cabinet, an Ambassador, a clergyman, etc.

The Intimate Closing

“Affectionately yours,” “Always affectionately,” “Affectionately,” “Devotedly,” “Lovingly,” “Your loving” are in increasing scale of intimacy.

“Lovingly” is much more intimate than “Affectionately” and so is “Devotedly.”

“Sincerely” in formal notes and “Affectionately” in intimate notes are the two adverbs most used in the present day, and between these two there is a blank; in English we have no expression to fit sentiment more friendly than the first nor one less intimate than the second.

Not Good Form

“Cordially” was coined no doubt to fill this need, but its self-consciousness puts it in the category with “residence” and “retire,” and all the other offenses of pretentiousness, and in New York, at least, it is not used by people of taste.

“Warmly yours” is unspeakable.

“Yours in haste” or “Hastily yours” is not bad form, but is rather carelessly rude.

“In a tearing hurry” is a termination dear to the boarding school girl; but its truth does not make it any more attractive than the vision of that same young girl rushing into a room with her hat and coat half on, to swoop upon her mother with a peck of a kiss, and with a “——by, mamma!” whirl out again! Turmoil and flurry may be characteristic of the manners of to-day; both are far from the ideal of beautiful manners which should be as assured, as smooth, as controlled as the running of a high-grade automobile. Flea-like motions are no better suited to manners than to motors.

Other Endings

“Gratefully” is used only when a benefit has been received, as to a lawyer who has skilfully handled a case; to a surgeon who has saved a life dear to you; to a friend who has been put to unusual trouble to do you a favor.

In an ordinary letter of thanks, the signature is “Sincerely,” “Affectionately,” “Devotedly”—as the case may be.

The phrases that a man might devise to close a letter to his betrothed or his wife are bound only by the limit of his imagination and do not belong in this, or any, book.

THE SIGNATURE

Abroad, the higher the rank, the shorter the name. A duke, for instance, signs himself “Marlborough,” nothing else, and a queen her first name “Victoria.” The social world in Europe, therefore, laughs at us for using our whole names, or worse yet, inserting meaningless initials in our signatures. Etiquette in accord with Europe also objects strenuously to initials and demands that names be always engraved, and, if possible, written in full, but only very correct people strictly observe this rule.

In Europe all persons have so many names given them in baptism that they are forced, naturally, to lay most of them aside, selecting one, or at most two, for use. In America, the names bestowed at baptism become inseparably part of each individual, so that if the name is overlong, a string of initials is the inevitable result.

Since, in America, it is not customary for a man to discard any of his names, and John Hunter Titherington Smith is far too much of a pen-full for the one who signs thousands of letters and documents, it is small wonder that he chooses J. H. T. Smith, instead, or perhaps, at the end of personal letters, John H. T. Smith. Why shouldn’t he? It is, after all, his own name to sign as he chooses, and in addressing him deference to his choice should be shown.

  A married woman should always sign a letter to a stranger, a bank, business firm, etc., with her baptismal name, and add, in parenthesis, her married name. Thus:
        Very truly yours,
                Sarah Robinson Smith.
(Mrs. J. H. Titherington Smith.)

Never under any circumstances sign a letter “Mr.”, “Mrs.”, or “Miss” (except a note written in the third person). If, in the example above, Sarah Robinson Smith were “Miss” she would put “Miss” in parenthesis to the left of her signature:
(Miss) Sarah Robinson Smith.

THE SUPERSCRIPTION

Formal invitations are always addressed to Mr. Stanley Smith; all other personal letters may be addressed to Stanley Smith, Esq. The title of Esquire formerly was used to denote the eldest son of a knight or members of a younger branch of a noble house. Later all graduates of universities, professional and literary men, and important landholders were given the right to this title, which even to-day denotes a man of education—a gentleman. John Smith, esquire, is John Smith, gentleman. Mr. John Smith may be a gentleman; or may not be one. And yet, as noted above, all engraved invitations are addressed “Mr.”

Never under any circumstances address a social letter or note to a married woman, even if she is a widow, as Mrs. Mary Town. A widow is still Mrs. James Town. If her son’s wife should have the same name, she becomes Mrs. James Town, Sr., or simply Mrs. Town.

A divorced woman, if she was the innocent person, retains the right if she chooses, to call herself Mrs. John Brown Smith, but usually she prefers to take her own surname. Supposing her to have been Mary Simpson, she calls herself Mrs. Simpson Smith. If a lady is the wife or widow of “the head of a family” she may call herself Mrs. Smith, even on visiting cards and invitations.

The eldest daughter is Miss Smith; her younger sister, Miss Jane Smith.

Invitations to children are addressed, Miss Katherine Smith and Master Robert Smith.

Do not write “The Messrs. Brown” in addressing a father and son. “The Messrs. Brown” is correct only for unmarried brothers.

Although one occasionally sees an envelope addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Jones,” and “Miss Jones” written underneath the names of her parents, it is better form to send a separate invitation addressed to Miss Jones alone. A wedding invitation addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Jones and family is not in good taste. Even if the Jones children are young, the Misses Jones should receive a separate envelope, and so should Master Jones.

ONE LAST REMARK

Write the name and address on the envelope as precisely and as legibly as you can. The post-office has enough to do in deciphering the letters of the illiterate, without being asked to do unnecessary work for you!

BUSINESS LETTERS

Business letters written by a private individual differ very little from those sent out from a business house. A lady never says “Yours of the 6th received and contents noted,” or “Yours to hand,” nor does she address the firm as “Gentlemen,” nor does she ever sign herself “Respectfully.” A business letter should be as brief and explicit as possible. For example:

Tuxedo Park
New York

May 17, 1922

I. Paint & Co.,
    22 Branch St.,
      New York.
Dear Sirs:
  Your estimate for painting my dining-room, library, south bedroom, and dressing-room is satisfactory, and you may proceed with the work as soon as possible.
  I find, on the other hand, that wainscoting the hall comes to more than I had anticipated, and I have decided to leave it as it is for the present.
Very truly yours,
C. R. Town

(Mrs. James Town)

THE SOCIAL NOTE

There should be no more difficulty in writing a social note than in writing a business letter; each has a specific message for its sole object and the principle of construction is the same:

* Date

Address (on business letter only)
Salutation:
The statement of whatever is the purpose of the note.
Complimentary close,
Signature.

* Or date here

The difference in form between a business and a social note is that the full name and address of the person written to is never put in the latter, better quality stationery is used, and the salutation is “My dear ——” or “Dear ——” instead of “Dear Sir:”

Example:

350 Park Avenue

Dear Mrs. Robinson:
I am enclosing the list I promised you—Luberge makes the most beautiful things. Mower, the dressmaker, has for years made clothes for me, and I think Revaud the best milliner in Paris. Leonie is a “little milliner” who often has pretty blouses as well as hats and is very reasonable.
I do hope the addresses will be of some use to you, and that you will have a delightful trip,
Very sincerely,
Martha Kindhart.

Thursday.

THE NOTE OF APOLOGY

Examples:

I
BROADLAWNS

Dear Mrs. Town:
  I do deeply apologize for my seeming rudeness in having to send the message about Monday night.
  When I accepted your invitation, I stupidly forgot entirely that Monday was a holiday and that all of my own guests, naturally, were not leaving until Tuesday morning, and Arthur and I could not therefore go out by ourselves and leave them!
  We were too disappointed and hope that you know how sorry we were not to be with you.
Very sincerely,
Ethel Norman.

Tuesday morning.

Dear Mrs. Neighbor:
My gardener has just told me that our chickens got into your flower beds, and did a great deal of damage.
The chicken netting is being built higher at this moment and they will not be able to damage anything again. I shall, of course, send Patrick to put in shrubs to replace those broken, although I know that ones newly planted cannot compensate for those you have lost, and I can only ask you to accept my contrite apologies.
Always sincerely yours,
Katherine de Puyster Eminent.

LETTERS OF THANKS

In the following examples of letters intimate and from young persons, such profuse expressions as “divine,” “awfully,” “petrified,” “too sweet,” “too wonderful,” are purposely inserted, because to change all of the above enthusiasms into “pleased with,” “very,” “feared,” “most kind,” would be to change the vitality of the “real” letters into smug and self-conscious utterances at variance with anything ever written by young men and women of to-day. Even the letters of older persons, although they are more restrained than those of youth, avoid anything suggesting pedantry and affectation.

Do not from this suppose that well-bred people write badly! On the contrary, perfect simplicity and freedom from self-consciousness are possible only to those who have acquired at least some degree of cultivation. For flagrant examples of pretentiousness (which is the infallible sign of lack of breeding), see VIII¶9. For simplicity of expression, such as is unattainable to the rest of us, but which we can at least strive to emulate, read first the Bible; then at random one might suggest such authors as Robert Louis Stevenson, E. S. Martin, Agnes Repplier, John Galsworthy and Max Beerbohm. E. V. Lucas has written two novels in letter form—which illustrate the best type of present day letter-writing.

LETTERS OF THANKS FOR WEDDING PRESENTS

Although all wedding presents belong to the bride, she generally words her letters of thanks as though they belonged equally to the groom, especially if they have been sent by particular friends of his.

To Intimate Friends of the Groom

Dear Mrs. Norman:
  To think of your sending us all this wonderful glass! It is simply divine, and Jim and I both thank you a thousand times!
  The presents are, of course, to be shown on the day of the wedding, but do come in on Tuesday at tea time for an earlier view.
  Thanking you again, and with love from us both,
Affectionately,
Mary.

Formal
I

Dear Mrs. Gilding:
It was more than sweet of you and Mr. Gilding to send us such a lovely clock. Thank you, very, very much.
Looking forward to seeing you on the tenth,
Very sincerely,
Mary Smith.

Sometimes, as in the two examples above, thanks to the husband are definitely expressed in writing to the wife. Usually, however, “you” is understood to mean “you both.”

Dear Mrs. Worldly:
All my life I have wanted a piece of jade, but in my wanting I have never imagined one quite so beautiful as the one you have sent me. It was wonderfully sweet of you and I thank you more than I can tell you for the pleasure you have given me.
Affectionately,
Mary Smith.

III

Dear Mrs. Eminent:
Thank you for these wonderful prints. They go too beautifully with some old English ones that Jim’s uncle sent us, and our dining-room will be quite perfect—as to walls!
Hoping that you are surely coming to the wedding,
Very sincerely,
Mary Smith.

To a Friend Who Is in Deep Mourning

Dear Susan:
With all you have on your heart just now, it was so sweet and thoughtful of you to go out and buy me a present, and such a beautiful one! I love it—and your thought of me in sending it—and I thank you more than I can tell you.
Devotedly,
Mary.

Very Intimate

Dear Aunt Kate:
Really you are too generous—it is outrageous of you—but, of course, it is the most beautiful bracelet! And I am so excited over it, I hardly know what I am doing. You are too good to me and you spoil me, but I do love you, and it, and thank you with all my heart.
Mary.

Intimate

Dear Mrs. Neighbor:
The tea cloth is perfectly exquisite! I have never seen such beautiful work! I appreciate your lovely gift more than I can tell you, both for its own sake and for your kindness in making it for me.
Don’t forget, you are coming in on Tuesday afternoon to see the presents.
Lovingly,
Mary.

Sometimes pushing people send presents, when they are not asked to the wedding, in the hope of an invitation. Sometimes others send presents, when they are not asked, merely through kindly feeling toward a young couple on the threshold of life. It ought not to be difficult to distinguish between the two.

My Dear Mrs. Upstart:
Thank you for the very handsome candlesticks you sent us. They were a great surprize, but it was more than kind of you to think of us.
Very sincerely,
Mary Smith.

Dear Mrs. Kindly:
I can’t tell you how sweet I think it of you to send us such a lovely present, and Jim and I both hope that when we are in our own home, you will see them often at our table.
Thanking you many times for your thought of us,
Very sincerely,
Mary Smith.

For a Present Sent After the Wedding

Dear Mrs. Chatterton:
The mirror you sent us is going over our drawing-room mantel just as soon as we can hang it up! It is exactly what we most needed and we both thank you ever so much.
Please come in soon to see how becoming it will be to the room.
Yours affectionately,
Mary Smith Smartlington.

THANKS FOR CHRISTMAS OR OTHER PRESENTS

Dear Lucy:
I really think it was adorable of you to have a chair like yours made for me. It was worth adding a year to my age for such a nice birthday present. Jack says I am never going to have a chance to sit in it, however, if he gets there first, and even the children look at it with longing. At all events, I am perfectly enchanted with it, and thank you ever and ever so much.
Affectionately,
Sally.

Dear Uncle Arthur:
I know I oughtn’t to have opened it until Christmas, but I couldn’t resist the look of the package, and then putting it on at once! So I am all dressed up in your beautiful chain. It is one of the loveliest things I have ever seen and I certainly am lucky to have it given to me! Thank you a thousand—and then more—times for it.
Rosalie.

Dear Kate:
I am fascinated with my utility box—it is too beguiling for words! You are the cleverest one anyway for finding what no one else can—and every one wants. I don’t know how you do it! And you certainly were sweet to think of me. Thank you, dear.
Ethel.

THANKS FOR PRESENT TO A BABY

Dear Mrs. Kindhart:
Of course it would be! Because no one else can sew like you! The sacque you made the baby is the prettiest thing I have ever seen, and is perfectly adorable on her! Thank you, as usual, you dear Mrs. Kindhart, for your goodness to
Your affectionate,
Sally.

Dear Mrs. Norman:
Thank you ever so much for the lovely afghan you sent the baby. It is by far the prettiest one he has; it is so soft and close—he doesn’t get his fingers tangled in it.
Do come in and see him, won’t you? We are both allowed visitors (especial ones) every day between 4 and 5.30!
Affectionately always,
Lucy.

THE BREAD AND BUTTER LETTER

When you have been staying over Sunday, or for longer, in some one’s house, it is absolutely necessary that you write a letter of thanks to your hostess within a few days after the visit.

“Bread and butter letters,” as they are called, are the stumbling-blocks of visitors. Why they are so difficult for nearly every one is hard to determine, unless it is that they are often written to persons with whom you are on formal terms, and the letter should be somewhat informal in tone. Very likely you have been visiting a friend, and must write to her mother, whom you scarcely know; perhaps you have been included in a large and rather formal house party and the hostess is an acquaintance rather than a friend; or perhaps you are a bride and have been on a first visit to relatives or old friends of your husband’s, but strangers, until now, to you.

As an example of the first, where you have been visiting a girl friend and must write a letter to her mother, you begin “Dear Mrs. Town” at the top of a page, and nothing in the forbidding memory of Mrs. Town encourages you to go further. It would be easy enough to write to Pauline, the daughter. Very well, write to Pauline then—on an odd piece of paper, in pencil, what a good time you had, how nice it was to be with her. Then copy your note composed to Pauline off on the page beginning “Dear Mrs. Town.” You have only to add, “love to Pauline, and thanking you again for asking me,” sign it “Very sincerely,” and there you are!

Don’t be afraid that your note is too informal; older people are always pleased with any expressions from the young that seem friendly and spontaneous. Never think, because you can not easily write a letter, that it is better not to write at all. The most awkward note that can be imagined is better than none—for to write none is the depth of rudeness, whereas the awkward note merely fails to delight.

EXAMPLES
From a Young Woman to a Formal Hostess After a House Party

Dear Mrs. Norman:
I don’t know when I ever had such a good time as I did at Broadlawns. Thank you a thousand times for asking me. As it happened, the first persons I saw on Monday at the Towns’ dinner were Celia and Donald. We immediately had a threesome conversation on the wonderful time we all had over Sunday.
Thanking you again for your kindness to me,
Very sincerely yours,
Grace Smalltalk.

To a Formal Hostess After an Especially Amusing Week-End

Dear Mrs. Worldly:
Every moment at Great Estates was a perfect delight. I am afraid my work at the office this morning was down to zero in efficiency; so perhaps it is just as well, if I am to keep my job, that the average week-end in the country is different—very. Thank you all the same, for the wonderful time you gave us all, and believe me
Faithfully yours,
Frederick Bachelor.

Dear Mrs. Worldly:
Every time I come from Great Estates, I realize again that there is no house to which I always go with so much pleasure, and leave on Monday morning with so much regret.
Your party over this last week-end was simply wonderful! And thank you ever so much for having included me.
Always sincerely,
Constance Style.

From a Young Couple

Dear Mrs. Town:
We had a perfect time at Tuxedo over Sunday and it was so good of you to include us. Jack says he is going to practise putting the way Mr. Town showed him, and maybe the next time he plays in a foursome he won’t be such a handicap to his partner.
Thanking you both for the pleasure you gave us,
Affectionately yours,
Sally Titherington Littlehouse

From a Bride to Her New Relatives-in-Law

A letter that was written by a bride after paying a first visit to her husband’s aunt and uncle won for her at a stroke the love of the whole family.

This is the letter:

Dear “Aunt Annie”:
  Now that it is all over, I have a confession to make! Do you know that when Dick drove me up to your front door and I saw you and Uncle Bob standing on the top step—I was simply paralyzed with fright!
  “Suppose they don’t like me,” was all that I could think. Of course, I knew you loved Dick—but that only made it worse. How awful, if you couldn’t like me! The reason I stumbled coming up the steps was because my knees were actually knocking together! You remember, Uncle Bob sang out it was good I was already married, or I wouldn’t be this year? And then—you were both so perfectly adorable to me—and you made me feel as though I had always been your niece—and not just the wife of your nephew.
  I loved every minute of our being with you, dear Aunt Annie, just as much as Dick did, and we hope you are going to let us come soon again.
  With best love from us both,
Your affectionate niece,
Helen.

The above type of letter would not serve perhaps if Dick’s aunt had been a forbidding and austere type of woman; but even such a one would be far more apt to take a new niece to her heart if the new niece herself gave evidence of having one.

After Visiting a Friend

Dear Kate:
It was hideously dull and stuffy in town this morning after the fresh coolness of Strandholm. The back yard is not an alluring outlook after the wide spaces and delicious fragrance of your garden.
It was good being with you and I enjoyed every moment. Don’t forget you are lunching here on the 16th and that we are going to hear Kreisler together.
Devotedly always,
Caroline.

From a Man Who Has Been Ill and Convalescing at a Friend’s House

Dear Martha:
I certainly hated taking that train this morning and realizing that the end had come to my peaceful days. You and John and the children, and your place, which is the essence of all that a “home” ought to be, have put me on my feet again. I thank you much—much more than I can say for the wonderful goodness of all of you.
Fred.

From a Woman Who Has Been Visiting a Very Old Friend

I loved my visit with you, dear Mary; it was more than good to be with you and have a chance for long talks at your fireside. Don’t forget your promise to come here in May! I told Sam and Hettie you were coming, and now the whole town is ringing with the news, and every one is planning a party for you.
David sends “his best” to you and Charlie, and you know you always have the love of
Your devoted
Pat.

To an Acquaintance

After a visit to a formal acquaintance or when some one has shown you especial hospitality in a city where you are a stranger:

My dear Mrs. Duluth:
  It was more than good of you to give my husband and me so much pleasure. We enjoyed, and appreciated, all your kindness to us more than we can say.
  We hope that you and Mr. Duluth may be coming East before long and that we may then have the pleasure of seeing you at Strandholm.
  In the meanwhile, thanking you for your generous hospitality, and with kindest regards to you both, in which my husband joins, believe me,
Very sincerely yours,
Katherine de Puyster Eminent.

AN ENGRAVED CARD OF THANKS

An engraved card of thanks is proper only when sent by a public official to acknowledge the overwhelming number of congratulatory messages he must inevitably receive from strangers, when he has carried an election or otherwise been honored with the confidence of his State or country. A recent and excellent example follows:

An engraved form of thanks for sympathy, also from one in public life, is presented in the following example:

But remember: an engraved card sent by a private individual to a personal friend, is not “stylish” or smart, but rude. (See also engraved acknowledgment of sympathy, XXIV¶87.)

THE LETTER OF INTRODUCTION

A letter of business introduction can be much more freely given than a letter of social introduction. For the former it is necessary merely that the persons introduced have business interests in common—which are much more easily determined than social compatibility, which is the requisite necessary for the latter. It is, of course, proper to give your personal representative a letter of introduction to whomever you send him.

On the subject of letters of social introduction there is one chief rule:

Never ask for letters of introduction, and be very sparing in your offers to write or accept them.

100

Seemingly few persons realize that a letter of social introduction is actually a draft for payment on demand. The form might as well be: “The bearer of this has (because of it) the right to demand your interest, your time, your hospitality—liberally and at once, no matter what your inclination may be.”

101

Therefore, it is far better to refuse in the beginning, than to hedge and end by committing the greater error of unwarrantedly inconveniencing a valued friend or acquaintance.

102

When you have a friend who is going to a city where you have other friends, and you believe that it will be a mutual pleasure for them to meet, a letter of introduction is proper and very easy to write, but sent to a casual acquaintance—no matter how attractive or distinguished the person to be introduced—it is a gross presumption.

103

THE MORE FORMAL NOTE OF INTRODUCTION

Dear Mrs. Marks:
  Julian Gibbs is going to Buffalo on January tenth to deliver a lecture on his Polar expedition, and I am sending him a card of introduction to you. He is very agreeable personally, and I think that perhaps you and Mr. Marks will enjoy meeting him as much as I know he would enjoy knowing you.
  With kindest regards, in which Arthur joins,
Very sincerely,
  Ethel Norman.

104

If Mr. Norman were introducing one man to another he would give his card to the former, inscribed as follows:

105

Also Mr. Norman would send a private letter by mail, telling his friend that Mr. Gibbs is coming, as follows:

Dear Marks:
I am giving Julian Gibbs a card of introduction to you when he goes to Buffalo on the tenth to lecture. He is an entertaining and very decent fellow, and I think possibly Mrs. Marks would enjoy meeting him. If you can conveniently ask him to your house, I know he would appreciate it; if not, perhaps you will put him up for a day or two at a club.
Faithfully,
Arthur Norman.

106

INFORMAL LETTER OF INTRODUCTION

Dear Claire:
A very great friend of ours, James Dawson, is to be in Chicago for several weeks. Any kindness that you can show him will be greatly appreciated by
Yours as always,
Ethel Norman.

107

At the same time a second and private letter of information is written and sent by mail:

Dear Claire:
I wrote you a letter to-day introducing Jim Dawson. He used to be on the Yalvard football team, perhaps you remember. He is one of the best sort in the world and I know you will like him. I don’t want to put you to any trouble, but do ask him to your house if you can. He plays a wonderful game of golf and a good game of bridge, but he is more a man’s than a woman’s type of man. Maybe if Tom likes him, he will put him up at a club as he is to be in Chicago for some weeks.
Affectionately always,
Ethel.

108

Another example:

Dear Caroline:
A very dear friend of mine, Mrs. Fred West, is going to be in New York this winter, while her daughter is at Barnard. I am asking her to take this letter to you as I want very much to have her meet you and have her daughter meet Pauline. Anything that you can do for them will be the same as for me!
Yours affectionately,
Sylvia Greatlake.

109

The private letter by mail to accompany the foregoing:

Dearest Caroline:
  Mildred West, for whom I wrote to you this morning, is a very close friend of mine. She is going to New York with her only daughter—who, in spite of wanting a college education, is as pretty as a picture, with plenty of come-hither in the eye—so do not be afraid that the typical blue-stocking is to be thrust upon Pauline! The mother is an altogether lovely person and I know that you and she will speak the same language—if I didn’t, I wouldn’t give her a letter to you. Do go to see her as soon as you can; she will be stopping at the Fitz-Cherry and probably feeling rather lost at first. She wants to take an apartment for the winter and I told her I was sure you would know the best real estate and intelligence offices, etc., for her to go to.
  I hope I am not putting you to any trouble about her, but she is really a darling and you will like her I know.
Devotedly yours,
  Sylvia.

110

Directions for procedure upon being given (or receiving) a letter of introduction will be found at II¶71.

111

THE THIRD PERSON

In other days when even verbal messages began with the “presenting of compliments,” a social note, no matter what its length or purport, would have been considered rude, unless written in the third person. But as in a communication of any length the difficulty of this form is almost insurmountable (to say nothing of the pedantic effect of its accomplishment), it is no longer chosen—aside from the formal invitation, acceptance and regret—except for notes to stores or subordinates. For example:

Will B. Stern & Co. please send (and charge) to Mrs. John H. Smith, 2 Madison Avenue,
  1 paper of needles No. 9
  2 spools white sewing cotton No. 70
  1 yard of material (sample enclosed).
January 6.

112

To a servant:

Mrs. Eminent wishes Patrick to meet her at the station on Tuesday the eighth at 11.03. She also wishes him to have the shutters opened and the house aired on that day, and a fire lighted in the northwest room. No provisions will be necessary as Mrs. Eminent is returning to town on the 5.16.
Tuesday, March 1.

113

Letters in the third person are no longer signed unless the sender’s signature is necessary for identification, or for some action on the part of the receiver, such as

Will Mr. Cash please give the bearer six yards of material to match the sample enclosed, and oblige,
Mrs. John H. Smith. *

[*A note in 3rd person is the single occasion when a married woman signs “Mrs.” before her name.]

114

THE LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION

A letter of recommendation for membership to a club is addressed to the secretary and should be somewhat in this form:

To the Secretary of the Town Club.
My dear Mrs. Brown:
Mrs. Titherington Smith, whose name is posted for membership, is a very old and close friend of mine. She is the daughter of the late Rev. Samuel Eminent and is therefore a member in her own right, as well as by marriage, of representative New York families.
She is a person of much charm and distinction, and her many friends will agree with me, I am sure, in thinking that she would be a valuable addition to the club.
Very sincerely,
Ethel Norman.

115

RECOMMENDATION OF EMPLOYEES

Although the written recommendation that is given to the employee carries very little weight, compared to the slip from the employment agencies where either “yes” or “no” has to be answered to a list of specific and important questions, one is nevertheless put in a trying position when reporting on an unsatisfactory servant.

116

Either a poor reference must be given—possibly preventing a servant from earning her living—or one has to write what is not true. Consequently it has become the custom to say what one truthfully can of good, and leave out the qualifications that are bad (except in the case of a careless nurse, where evasion would border on the criminal).

117

That solves the poor recommendation problem pretty well; but unless one is very careful this consideration for the “poor” one, is paid for by the “good.” In writing for a very worthy servant therefore, it is of the utmost importance in fairness to her (or him) to put in every merit that you can think of, remembering that omission implies demerit in each trait of character not mentioned. All good references should include honesty, sobriety, capability, and a reason, other than their unsatisfactoriness, for their leaving. The recommendation for a nurse can not be too conscientiously written.

118

A lady does not begin a recommendation: “To whom it may concern,” nor “This is to certify,” although housekeepers and head servants writing recommendations use both of these forms, and “third person” letters, are frequently written by secretaries.

119

A lady in giving a good reference should write:

Two Hundred Park Square.

  Selma Johnson has lived with me for two years as cook.
  I have found her honest, sober, industrious, neat in person as well as her work, of amiable disposition a very good cook.
  She is leaving to my great regret because I am closing my house for the winter.
  Selma is an excellent servant in every way and I shall be glad to answer personally any inquiries about her.
Josephine Smith.

(Mrs. Titherington Smith)
October, 1921.

120

The form of all recommendations is the same:

.... has lived with me .... months/years as .... I have found him/her .... He/She is leaving because ....
(Any special remark of added recommendation or showing interest)
....

(Mrs. ....)
Date.

121

LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION

LETTER OF CONGRATULATION ON ENGAGEMENT

Dear Mary:
While we are not altogether surprized, we are both delighted to hear the good news. Jim’s family and ours are very close, as you know, and we have always been especially devoted to Jim. He is one of the finest—and now luckiest, of young men, and we send you both every good wish for all possible happiness.
Affectionately,
Ethel Norman.

122

Just a line, dear Jim, to tell you how glad we all are to hear of your happiness. Mary is everything that is lovely and, of course, from our point of view, we don’t think her exactly unfortunate either! Every good wish that imagination can think of goes to you from your old friends.
Ethel and Arthur Norman.

123

I can’t tell you, dearest Mary, of all the wishes I send for your happiness. Give Jim my love and tell him how lucky I think he is, and how much I hope all good fortune will come to you both.
Lovingly,
Aunt Kate.

124

CONGRATULATION ON SOME ESPECIAL SUCCESS

My dear Mrs. Brown:
We have just heard of the honors that your son has won. How proud you must be of him! We are both so glad for him and for you. Please congratulate him for us, and believe me,
Very sincerely,
Ethel Norman.

125

Or:

Dear Mrs. Brown:
We are so glad to hear the good news of David’s success; it was a very splendid accomplishment and we are all so proud of him and of you. Please give him our love and congratulations, and with full measure of both to you,
Affectionately,
Martha Kindhart.

126

CONGRATULATING A FRIEND APPOINTED TO HIGH OFFICE

Dear John:
We are overjoyed at the good news! For once the reward has fallen where it is deserved. Certainly no one is better fitted than yourself for a diplomat’s life, and we know you will fill the position to the honor of your country. Please give my love to Alice, and with renewed congratulations to you from us both.
Yours always,
Ethel Norman.

127

Another example:

Dear Michael:
We all rejoice with you in the confirmation of your appointment. The State needs just such men as you—if we had more of your sort the ordinary citizen would have less to worry about. Our best congratulations!
John Kindhart.

128

THE LETTER OF CONDOLENCE

Intimate letters of condolence are like love letters, in that they are too sacred to follow a set form. One rule, and one only, should guide you in writing such letters. Say what you truly feel. Say that and nothing else. Sit down at your desk, let your thoughts dwell on the person you are writing to.

129

Don’t dwell on the details of illness or the manner of death; don’t quote endlessly from the poets and Scriptures. Remember that eyes filmed with tears and an aching heart can not follow rhetorical lengths of writing. The more nearly a note can express a hand-clasp, a thought of sympathy, above all, a genuine love or appreciation of the one who has gone, the greater comfort it brings.

130

Write as simply as possible and let your heart speak as truly and as briefly as you can. Forget, if you can, that you are using written words, think merely how you feel—then put your feelings on paper—that is all.

131

Supposing it is a young mother who has died. You think how young and sweet she was—and of her little children, and, literally, your heart aches for them and her husband and her own family. Into your thoughts must come some expression of what she was, and what their loss must be!

132

Or maybe it is the death of a man who has left a place in the whole community that will be difficult, if not impossible, to fill, and you think of all he stood for that was fine and helpful to others, and how much and sorely he will be missed. Or suppose that you are a returned soldier, and it is a pal who has died. All you can think of is “Poor old Steve—what a peach he was! I don’t think anything will ever be the same again without him.” Say just that! Ask if there is anything you can do at any time to be of service to his people. There is nothing more to be said. A line, into which you have unconsciously put a little of the genuine feeling that you had for Steve, is worth pages of eloquence.

133

A letter of condolence may be abrupt, badly constructed, ungrammatical—never mind. Grace of expression counts for nothing; sincerity alone is of value. It is the expression, however clumsily put, of a personal something which was loved, and will ever be missed, that alone brings solace to those who are left. Your message may speak merely of a small incident—something so trifling that in the seriousness of the present, seems not worth recording, but your letter and that of many others, each bringing a single sprig, may plant a whole memory-garden in the hearts of the bereaved.

134

EXAMPLES OF NOTES AND TELEGRAMS

As has been said above, a letter of condolence must above everything express a genuine sentiment. The few examples are inserted merely as suggestive guides for those at a loss to construct a short but appropriate note or telegram.

135

Conventional Note to an Acquaintance

I know how little the words of an outsider mean to you just now—but I must tell you how deeply I sympathize with you in your great loss.

136

Note or Telegram to a Friend

All my sympathy and all my thoughts are with you in your great sorrow. If I can be of any service to you, you know how grateful I shall be.

137

Telegram to a Very Near Relative or Friend

Words are so empty! If only I knew how to fill them with love and send them to you.

138

Or:
If love and thoughts could only help you, Margaret dear, you should have all the strength of both that I can give.

139

Letter Where Death Was Release

The letter to one whose loss is “for the best” is difficult in that you want to express sympathy but can not feel sad that one who has long suffered has found release. The expression of sympathy in this case should not be for the present death, but for the illness, or whatever it was that fell long ago. The grief for a paralysed mother is for the stroke which cut her down many years before, and your sympathy, though you may not have realized it, is for that. You might write:
Your sorrow during all these years—and now—is in my heart; and all my thoughts and sympathy are with you.

140

HOW TO ADDRESS IMPORTANT PERSONAGES

	If you are speaking, you say:	Envelope addressed:	Formal beginning of a letter:	Informal beginning:	Formal close:	Informal close:	Correct titles in introduction:
The President	Mr. President And occasionally throughout a conversation, Sir.	The President of the United States or merely The President, Washington, D. C. (There is only one “President”)	Sir:	My dear Mr. President:	I have the honor to remain, Most respectfully yours, or I have the honor to remain, sir, Your most obedient servant.	I have the honor to remain, Yours faithfully, or, I am, dear Mr. President, Yours faithfully,	The President.
The Vice-President	Mr. Vice-President and then, Sir.	The Vice-President, Washington, D. C.	Sir:	My dear Mr. Vice-President:	Same as for President	Believe me, Yours faithfully,	The Vice-President.
Justice of Supreme Court	Mr. Justice	The Hon. William H. Taft, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Washington, D. C.	Sir:	Dear Mr. Justice Taft:	Believe me, Yours very truly, or I have the honor to remain, Yours very truly,	Believe me, Yours faithfully,	The Chief Justice or, if an Associate Justice, Mr. Justice Holmes.
Member of the President’s Cabinet	Mr. Secretary	The Secretary of Commerce, Washington, D. C. or: The Hon. Herbert Hoover, Secretary of Commerce, Washington, D. C.	Dear Sir: or Sir:	My dear Mr. Secretary:	Same as above.	Same as above.	The Secretary of Commerce.
United States (or State) Senator	Senator Lodge	Senator Henry Cabot Lodge, Washington, D. C. or a private letter: Senator Henry Cabot Lodge, (His house address)	Dear Sir: or Sir:	Dear Senator Lodge:	Same as above.	Same as above.	Senator Lodge. On very formal and unusual occasions, Senator Lodge of Massachusetts.
Member of Congress (or Legislature)	Mr. Bell, or, you may say Congressman	The Hon. H. C. Bell, Jr., House of Representatives, Washington, D. C. or: State Assembly, Albany, New York.	Dear Sir: or Sir:	Dear Mr. Bell: or Dear Congressman:	Believe me, Yours very truly,	Yours faithfully,	Mr. Bell.
Governor	Governor Miller (The Governor is not called Excellency when spoken to and very rarely when he is announced. But letters are addressed and begun with this title of courtesy.)	His Excellency The Governor, Albany, New York.	Your Excellency:	Dear Governor Miller:	I have the honor to remain, Yours faithfully,	Believe me, Yours faithfully,	The Governor (in his own state) or, (out of it,) The Governor of Michigan.
Mayor	Mr. Mayor	His Honor the Mayor, City Hall, Chicago.	Dear Sir: or Sir:	Dear Mayor Rolph:	Believe me, Very truly yours,	Yours faithfully,	Mayor Rolph.
Cardinal	Your Eminence	His Eminence John Cardinal Gibbons, Baltimore, Md.	Your Eminence:	Your Eminence:	I have the honor to remain, Your Eminence’s humble servant.	Your Eminence’s humble servant.	His Eminence.
Roman Catholic Archbishop (There is no Protestant Archbishop in the United States.)	Your Grace	The Most Reverend Michael Corrigan, Archbishop of New York.	Most Reverend and dear Sir:	Most Reverend and Dear Sir:	I have the honor to remain, Your humble servant,	Same as formal close.	The Most Reverend The Archbishop.
Bishop (Whether Roman Catholic or Protestant.)	Bishop Manning	To the Right Reverend William T. Manning, Bishop of New York,	Most Reverend and dear Sir:	My Dear Bishop Manning:	I have the honor to remain, Your obedient servant, or, to remain, Respectfully yours,	Faithfully yours,	Bishop Manning.
Priest	Father or Father Duffy	The Rev. Michael Duffy,	Reverend and dear Sir:	Dear Father Duffy:	I beg to remain, Yours faithfully,	Faithfully yours,	Father Duffy.
Protestant Clergyman	Mr. Saintly (If he is D.D. or LL.D., you call him Dr. Saintly.)	The Rev. Geo. Saintly, (If you do not know his first name, write The Rev. .... Saintly, rather than the Rev. Mr. Saintly.)	Sir: or My dear Sir:	Dear Dr. Saintly: (or Dear Mr. Saintly if he is not a D.D.)	Same as above.	Faithfully yours, or Sincerely yours,	Dr. (or Mr.) Saintly
Rabbi	Rabbi Wise (If he is D.D. or LL.D., he is called Dr. Wise.)	Dr. Stephen Wise, or Rabbi Stephen Wise, or Rev. Stephen Wise,	Dear Sir:	Dear Dr. Wise:	I beg to remain, Yours sincerely,	Yours sincerely,	Rabbi Wise
Ambassador	Your Excellency or Mr. Ambassador	His Excellency The American Ambassador, * American Embassy, London.	Your Excellency:	Dear Mr. Ambassador:	I have the honor to remain, Yours faithfully, or, Yours very truly, or, Yours respectfully, or very formally: I have the honor to remain, sir, your obedient servant.	Yours faithfully,	The American Ambassador.
Minister Plenipotentiary	In English he is usually called “Mr. Prince,” though it is not incorrect to call him “Mr. Minister.” The title “Excellency” is also occasionally used in courtesy, though it does not belong to him. In French he is always called Monsieur le Ministre.	The Hon. J. D. Prince, American Legation, Copenhagen, or (more courteously) His Excellency, The American Minister, Copenhagen, Denmark.	Sir: is correct but, Your Excellency: is sometimes used in courtesy.	Dear Mr. Minister: or Dear Mr. Prince:	Same as above.	Yours faithfully,	Mr. Prince, the American Minister, or merely, The American Minister as everyone is supposed to know his name or find it out.
Counsul	Mr. Smith.	If he has held office as assemblyman or commissioner, so that he has the right to the title of “Honorable” he is addressed: The Hon. John Smith, otherwise: John Smith, Esq., American Consul, Rue Quelque Chose, Paris.	Sir: or My dear Sir:	Dear Mr. Smith:	I beg to remain, Yours very truly,	Faithfully,	Mr. Smith.
[* Although our Ambassadors and Ministers represent the United States of America, it is customary both in Europe and Asia to omit the words United States and write to and speak of the American Embassy and Legation. In addressing a letter to one of our representatives in countries of the Western Hemisphere, “The United States of America” is always specified by way of courtesy to the Americans of South America.] Foreign persons of title are not included in the foregoing diagram because an American (unless in the Diplomatic Service) would be unlikely to address any but personal friends, to whom he would write as to any others. An envelope would be addressed in the language of the person written to: “His Grace, the Duke of Overthere (or merely The Duke of Overthere), Hyde Park, London”; “Mme. la Princess d’Acacia, Ave. du Bois, Paris”; “Il Principe di Capri, Cusano sul Seveso”; “Lady Alwin, Cragmere, Scotland,” etc. The letter would begin, Dear Duke of Overthere (or Dear Duke), Dear Princess, Dear Countess Aix, Dear Lady Alwin, Dear Sir Hubert, etc., and close, “Sincerely,” “Faithfully,” or “Affectionately,” as the case might be. Should an American have occasion to write to Royalty he would begin: “Madam” (or Sir), and end: “I have the honor to remain, madam (or Sir), your most obedient.” (“Your most obedient servant” is a signature reserved usually for our own President—or Vice-President.) Post, Emily. Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home. New York: Funk & Wagnalls, 1922. Bartleby.com

Sqaure Foot Gardening

2011-02-15T06:43:00.000-08:00

This year I made plans to try square foot gardening. It is a method of gardening that works great for those who garden in small spaces and don't really have a lot of time to thin and weed. To help you learn more about square foot gardening you may read this book:

Square Foot Gardening by Mel Bartholomew

It is a great book that will show you the basics of square foot gardening. Square Foot Gardening by Mel Bartholomew can be purchased from the Raggedy Cottage and Garden Store. Other garden supplies may also be purchased from our store.

One thing that I know for sure, when you plan to use the square foot gardening method, you will have to do more planning on paper in order to get the results you desire. I made a plan and will be getting the seeds to start the transplants indoors very soon.

Seeds for your garden

2011-02-14T13:35:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for some good paces to buy seeds this year besides the local supermarket you can check out the same places we like to purchase seeds.

Seed Savers is a local nursery (15 minute drive from our home) and offers heritage seeds that can be harvested and regrown the following year from your own garden. Simple vegetable seed packets start at 2.50$ a packet.

Seed Savers Exchange

In the past I have also purchased from Gurneys. This is a great source for those who are interested in good quality seeds and are serious about gardening. Especially for those who would like to grow your own groceries in your back yard.

Gurney's Seed and Nursery Co.

Of course there are many other nurseries and seed companies a person can choose from. If possible check out your local nursery and see what they offer. You might find some good deals for the season.

Pen Pals for homeschoolers

2011-02-11T07:20:00.000-08:00

Would you like to share your personal life story with someone around the world? Would you possibly like to share the gospel with someone from a country that does not accept Christianity? Would you like to know more about someone from a different location? Would you possibly like to travel or invite someone from another location into your home school for a while?

It is easy to sign up to be a pen pal! It is lots of fun too. I remember participating in a pen pal program when I was in grade school. The option is available to anyone online with quick and easy sign up. Some pen pals become well acquainted with each other and actually have the opportunity to meet one another in person and visit their home for a short time.

Pen Pals and foreign exchange programs are not just for those in public schools ;)

It is really nice to get actual letters in the mail, rather than receiving everything electronic format.

Here is a website to help you get started if you are interested:

http://www.interpals.net/

Happy writing :)

Child dicipline

2011-02-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

There is a free resource online in regards to properly training our children in the Lord. Many folks are familiar with the book "Raising Godly Tomatoes" and this resource is available online completely free. Happy reading ;)

Raising Godly Tomatoes

Woman at home and how to overcome the "ruts"

2011-02-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

(*****This was from a post that I posted on a forum about a woman who was struggling being a SAHM. I'm guessing she probably wasn't Christian by any means but it is worth the suggestions as she was "bored." If you are a new Christian or new to staying home with your own children all day, here are some suggestions I have for you!! :******************)

It sounds like boredom is your enemy right now. Here are some ideas to help you go from being a "stay"-at-home-mom to "I love it"-in-my-home-mom....... I know that any woman would not like to just be the baby-sitter of her children. She needs to feel like there is something more valuable to what she is doing and have passion while doing it.

Check out www.letteroftheweek.com. It offers great things and ideas that you can do with your little one "all day"

Pick up a new skill or hobby. Ideas include improving/trying gourmet cooking methods, making greeting/birthday cards (giving/thinking of others squanders that "boredom" enemy), cake decorating, writing poetry, painting, sewing something, gardening, learning a new foreign language, learning how to have a more natural nutritional diet, canning/preserving foods, knitting, visit a shut in old widow once a month to once a week (another thinking of others task), invite a latchkey kid over to bake cookies (with parent's permission) the list of ideas CAN go on.

I know what it is like to be the "only" SAHM in a small town. However, I have found that there are many more in my small town area and this makes me glad. The SAHM crowd doesn't seem to be as gossipy as the workaholic crowd I have noticed from time to time.

So try making a list of 20 new things you could try to do, and MAKE SURE to include your child in those projects as well. Develop a home management binder and you will feel like a super mom on top of the world. If cleaning gets "boring" just divide it up and perhaps "learn" how they used to clean in the Victorian days or see how Martha Stewart recommends some things and give it a try. You may find that cleaning isn't really that bad just by "learning" about it.

Being a SAHM is like second nature to me because I used to stay at home with my younger siblings when I was in my teen years and I lived in the country surrounded by "no one" I found that keeping myself busy made the time fly by and memories grow.

Free Grocery Lists

2011-02-02T06:26:00.000-08:00

Are you having trouble remembering what to buy at the local supermarket? Have you tried writing a quick list on a scrap piece of paper, only to find yourself wondering if you still needed an extra item for the next meal?

Well, there is a quick and easy solution! Free Grocery Lists are available at this website!

I have printed a few of these grocery lists and laminated them with clear duct tape so that I may use an erasable marker to mark the supplies that I need for the day. I store the grocery list in my home management binder. I know others may use a peg method or something else so that the grocery list can be reused time and time gain. Be creative!